Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Hoges]

"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"

[Volvo]

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. "Ken I hev a volunteer." Please??..
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?" After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then all 50,000 Kiwis Start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media
here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."
So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!" Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened. Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?" Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[reelcrazy]

Says it all...

[Dignity]

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please.. don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work.
However, one of our Assistants has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Assistant?"
A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued.
"For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"

[adriancorrea]

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than
any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top
of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?



At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People
stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is klogged UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word
UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the
many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth.


When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing
you do at night? -------


U P

Received this in an email

Tight Lines
Adrian

[adriancorrea]

Heres another one I got, dont know if its true or not

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Bradenton. They hired Him, because he was so honest and funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right Woman (or at
least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do You have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House
Sweepstakes, so they tell Me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job -- no, on my breaks -- no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh Yes! Yes, Absolutely

Tight Lines
Adrian

[SIRO]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you
can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget "

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

" Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"



Sorry , thats bad for a first post hey ???

[NeilD]

At least you can only get better from here [smiley=bigcry.gif].
Welcome to the site [smiley=2thumbsup.gif]

Neil

[Dignity]

Didn't let Pepe make a pig of himself - sorry couldn't help it, welcome

Sam

[jimbamb]

Dignity,
You tryin to HOG the limelight???????

[SCOTTYGC]

A man had great tickets for the State of Origin Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says. "The seat is empty".

This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the State of Origin, the biggest sporting event in Australia, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first State of Origin we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"


The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

[szopen]

A man walks into a shop and asks for a pack of cigaretts.
Shop assistant gives him a pack.

Man looks at the warning:
SMOKING CIGARETTES CAUSES IMPOTENCE.

Gives the pack back and asks:

Could you give me some of these that cause cancer?

[basserman]

This could happen to you: I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other bathroom stall saying, "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"


And the other person said, "So, what are you up to?"


What kind of question is that? At this point, I was thinking this was too bizarre, so I said, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"


At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could, when I heard another question. "Can I come over?"


Okay, this question was just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I told the person, "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"


Then I heard the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

[szopen]

A couple went to see a doctor as the husband was feeling pretty bad.
After checking the patient doctor goes out of the room and tells his wife:

Your husband is suffering from a very serious stress realted problems. What you must do is make sure that his life is much less stressful. Cook him nice food everyday, let him watch TV and drink beer as much as he wants, make sure that he goes fishing few times a week, do not get into any discussions that might get him upset, have sex at least 3 times a week. With all of this there might be improvement in his situation in a couple of months.

On the way home husband asks his wife: what did the doctor say?
She replied: you are going to die...

[Fishin_Dan]

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.



You are in Darwin, NT to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.



You move closer . . .



Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's John Howard.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.

You have two options -
1) You can save the life of "Little Johnny"

or

2) You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of the Australian Prime Minister.



So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?