Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

A drunk staggers into a Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

[akman1]

not really a joke but close enough::::::::::::::::::





Australian government at work
You will love this one, I haven't stopped laughing For those of you who have never travelled to the country , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

Last year, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there were over 10,000 cattle guards in NSW & Queensland. Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!!

Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Minister for Employment Julia Gillard, intervened with a request that before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

Andnow she isrunning the country.

Passed on to you without further comment....

[finga]

Sex And Good Grammar

For all my grammatically correct friends (that's you Charlieville).
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next
full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him
in the bedroom.



When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, " 1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.



His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,
and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle

[oldboot]

There was this inflatable boy, and try as they might his parents could not get him to be happy in a normal school.
So eventually they found an inflatable school, with other inflatable students, inflatable teachers and everything, the boy wa so happy he even found an inflatable girlfriend.

All was well until one day he ran amuck with a drawing pin.

He was called up to the principles office and got a stern talking to.

"Young Johnny, your behaviour is unexcusable, you've let the school down, you've let your mates down, you've let your teachers down, you've let me down and you've let yourself down.........."

cheers

[sandman55]

For all of my friends over 60 :


THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS

Pass to all 50 yrs and older.
Cardiovascular Exercise


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our
daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and
maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may
be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!


Scroll Down.




































































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of wine.

[theangryangler]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me..'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[finga]

Oops. double post

[finga]

I GOT RIPPED OFF ON E-BAY




Spent $50 on E-bay for a pen!s enlarger.
The b@st@rds sent me a magnifying glass..

[groverwa]

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(I LOVE IT!)

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
********************

Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

********************

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.

[pescados]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me..'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Why was I not told this about 50 years ago !!

[mowerman]

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
(You know you're laughing...)


.

[TimiBoy]

Rudd , Gillard and Swan are flying on the Executive Airbus to a
gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling,
'You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and
make someone very happy .'

Gillard shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the
window and make ten people happy.'

Not to be outdone, Swan says, 'Well I could throw a hundred $10
bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.'

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant
jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window
and make 21 million people happy.'

[nigelr]

Not a joke, but I think some may appreciate...........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlUdrJ6RPeA
enjoy!
The fabulous Marty Felman and Prunella Scales circ '68......

[Platitudinus]

Thanks Nigel - that brought back memories of Marty and also my youth - LOL.
Once a king always a king but once a knight is enough!
Plato

[Platitudinus]

Thanks Nigel - that brought back memories of Marty and also my youth - LOL.
Once a king always a king but once a knight is enough!
Plato