Well looky at that. I cannot even cut and paste right.Originally Posted by STUIE63
I have now repaired my stuff up.
Cheers matey
Well looky at that. I cannot even cut and paste right.
I have now repaired my stuff up.
Cheers matey
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
"Drafting Guys Over 60"
This is funny & obviously written by a former soldier...
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ####### that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
You know you're Australian if ...
* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.
* You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount
vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for
something illegal such as watering the garden.
* You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil
case when he first attends school.
* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans
"rooting" for something.
* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black
thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
* You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.
* You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to
Maccas.'
* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its
highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
* You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really,
truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's
twice as big as its $2 coin.
* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but
'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast
spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little
Vegemite worms.
* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they
stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
* Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any
rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.
* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has
become smaller with every passing year.
* You wear ugh boots outside the house.
* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by
an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you
like them.
* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order
takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is
always polite.
* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to
handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for
beach cricket.
* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they
call 'Anzac cookies'.
* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
* You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
* You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the
need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in
-o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo,
smoko, speedo, righto etc.
* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located
in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.
* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it
tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can. HELL YEAH
* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the
summer. Maybe even as perfume.
* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet
- to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you
REALLY mean it.
* You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding
the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the
salad.
* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
* You've ordered a steak the size of your head and only paid $5 at your
local RSL.
* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as
barra. Or a meat pie.
* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Strayla" and
that's ok.
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time! I'm just putting me f*cken shoes on!"
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
A: They haven't got a scrotum to scratch.
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features a situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION
You are in Queensland, Brisbane to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by severe storms.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for the Courier Mail, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.
THE TEST
Suddenly, you see a woman in the water.
She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, this woman looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's Julia Gillard! You notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.
You have two options:
1. You can save the life of Prime Minister Gillard; or
2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful people!
THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia ’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught Archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely F@%K all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you cannot resist passing it on...........
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause..
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F@&k him'.
A
tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off
a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! that was the best kiss I have
ever had, that's a real talent you are wasting.
you could be famous, why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ....
I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan , I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Man is a woman's best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions andgive in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... Sorry...
I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that...
Sorry.
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to YOU?“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. “I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s fanny.
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”
I don’t remember much after that
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?'
The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'
'Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you.'
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
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