Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put
On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f.........g Chihuahua ?!"
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
good laugh
A couple of friends meet after a long time:
“I divorced my wife.” One says.
“Really? How did you do it?”
“We hired a lawyer who helped divide the assets and stuff.”
“What about the kids?”
“Well,…we’ve decided that whoever got more money would also take the kids.”
“That sounds fair. And who got them?
“The lawyer.”
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I just got off the phone with a friend in Duluth , Minnesota .
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.
Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in...
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Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's, Newfoundland and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and t'ongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour. "What skill? yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"
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Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher, but before school started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth."
[/FONT]
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poo."
"It was my first day with the hook."
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
Q: What do you get when you offer a Left Whinger a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Cheers,
Tim
Carbon Really Ain't Pollution.
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Carbon Really Ain't Pollution.
Drinkin and Drivin in Townsville. . . .. .
Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.
The passenger, Harry, suddenly said,'Look... up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' dese here beers!!'
'Don't worry,' Archie said. 'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow the bottlesunder the seat.'
'What fer?'
'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'
So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, 'You boys been drinkin'?'
'No sir,' said Archie, pointing at the labels. 'We're on the patch.'
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook & really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.The little old man looked at the preacher & calmly said, 'Well . . . she's there.'
Wireless technolgy
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his ##### over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quite, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding cake'
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy billionaire widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
my guess is wedding cake
IF IT CAN'T EAT A WHOLE PILLY I DON'T WANT IT
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