Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Platitudinus]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I didn't know whether you had seen this already on the Joke thread or if it belongs on the Main chat page![/FONT]
Plato
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']AUSTRALIA’S DIVORCE AGREEMENT
[/FONT][FONT='Arial','sans-serif']
Dear Australian Laborites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the ACTU, the Fabian Society and every member of Emily’s List. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers (particularly Kerry O'Brien) and Bob Brown. You are, however, responsible for finding an electric vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, Lebanese bikies and boat people. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and the churches and give you SBS and the Greens.

You can make peace with Iran, Palestine and the Taliban and we'll retain the right to stand up and fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the 4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can find.

We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and our National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya", "We Are The World" and his recent big solo hit “Beds and Batts are Burning”.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Do you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative Australians and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John Wall
Australian Law Student

P.S. Also, please take Lindsay Tanner, Wayne Swan, Alan Griffin, John Faulkner, Kevin Rudd and Jenny Macklin with you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press "1" for English when you call our country. [/FONT][FONT='Arial','sans-serif'][/FONT]

[Chong]

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife”, comes the reply.[/FONT]

[Chimo]

THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

[finga]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the fooken length.

[Scott nthQld]

A bloke called his boss one morning and said "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" his boss said "dunno what?"

Bloke answers " Well, I'm not coming in this morning"

[Chimo]

NAG, NAG, NAG...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[groverwa]

TOP CARE FOR THE ELDERLY.

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital
"How are you grandpa?" He asks
"Feeling fine" says the old man
What's the food like?
"Terrific, wonderful menus"
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The chocolate makes him sleep,
and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

[Chimo]

Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his partner, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to DreamWorld theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Tower of Terror, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with him and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over her with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'


The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong so just go fishing and be done with it!

[Chimo]

A husband and his wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE:
"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:
"Of course I do.."

WIFE:
"Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND:
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE:
"You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan)

WIFE:
"Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:
"Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE:
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:
"Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:
"Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:
"That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE:
"Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND:
"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE:
"Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:
"Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE:
"Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND:
"No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"sh$t."

[Chimo]

Little Larry is a smart little kid. You have to luv Larry!!


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Foxtel guy wants to buy Mum .....'

[halcoholic]

A few days after xmas a mother was workin in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new train set she heard the train stop and her son say all you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train cause were leaving now. The mother went nuts and told her son we dont use that kind of language in this house now i want you to go to room and stay there for two hours when you come out you can play with train again. two hours later the son came out of his room and started playing with his train again soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say all passangers disembarking from the train please remeber to take all yur belongings whit you we thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was pleasent. She hears the son continue for those of you just boarding we ask you to stow all of hand luggage under your seat we hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing trip with us today. the mother began to smile and the son added for those of you that are pissed of for two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen

[Chimo]

Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test

Principal. 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade. 'Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question

Harry replied: 'Pockets.

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: Coconut.
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, chewing gum

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: Firetruck.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!

[finga]

I became confused when I heard the word 'service'in the context used by these agencies::-

Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
CableTV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'



Their performance did not equate to what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are really doing to us.!

[jason p]

my last joke must a been PGR cause its vanished. sorry mods

G rated.

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, so I'm waiting for my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

jp

[Chimo]

A CHRISTMAS STORY
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular
Ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and
Two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the
Ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to
The cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his
Frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
All over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw
Off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and
There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful
Tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.