Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chooksy]

3 men were greeted by ST Peter at the Gates of Heaven.
He said "As you all need transport to get around Heaven, your transport will depend on how faithful you were to your wife"
The first guy said, "I've cheated on my wife 5 times."
St Peter said. You will get a second hand VW
The second guy said "I've cheated on my wife once."
St Peter said "You will get a convertible"
The third guys said "I;ve never cheater don my wife."
St Peter said "You will get a Mercedes benze."

So they all entered Heaven in their cars. A few hours later, the first two guys saw the third guy in the Mercedes benze crying by the side of the road. They said "Why are you crying" "You've got the Mercedes benze"

And the third guys said "I just saw my wife go past in roller skates."

[finga]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER




A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[charleville]

Click for large view - Uploaded with Skitch






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[Chimo]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic.”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s ok. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

[charleville]

A man went into his local shop and asked the sales assistant “Do you sell potato clocks”?

“Potato clocks sir? I’m not sure what you mean,” replied the sales assistant.

“Well” came the explanation

“I’m always late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock.


( You might have to think about that one. )


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[charleville]

This week, I was reading about the brave exploration party Columbus assembled in 1492, with all four ships sailing off into the unknown. You remember the names of his four ships: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria and the Clyde. You don't hear too much about the Clyde anymore, since that's the one that sailed over the edge.








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[FNQCairns]

Letter to Men's Helpline:-


Hey Mate, I really need your advice for a serious problem:

I've suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.

The usual signs:

1. Phone rings, if I answer, the caller hangs up,
2. going out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night, about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?

[sandman55]

OK guys I'm not a greeny but this is getting ridiculous we are going to have to stop cutting down trees.

[Kero]

The International Council of Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his
friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you
actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must
celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of
the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap
her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as
a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical
beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in
the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they
demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports
watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober
enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's
just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of
beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's
withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating,
both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken
monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail
each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the
difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed
below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife
with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying
somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and
beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to
say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws

[4x4frog]

Great gag........sorry about the thumbnail, can't get full size pic to load.

Fixed it for you...... ....Phill

[sparkyice]

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline.



I had to press 1 for English..


Then I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[sparkyice]

Billy’s family was a very conservative, polite, church going old fashioned kind of family. Father ruled the home and brought home the bacon, and mother took good care of the household. Billy was very bright for his 9 years of age, and he attended a very good private school, which was excellent for learning but it didn’t give much exposure to the ways of the world. Billy led a somewhat sheltered life.

One summer day not long after school had let out for the summer, Billy was underfoot of his mother, and as she had become used to him being away at school all day was a bit frustrated with his antics. About then, she noticed the neighbors out back were remodeling their home, and she struck upon the notion of having Billy go on over to watch the workmen while she did some chores. She could see them quite well from her kitchen window, so she wasn’t too worried about him wandering off or anything.

She watched as he shyly approached the men, then she could see him introducing himself and shaking their hands- “what a polite little man!” she thought to herself.
She watched as he went around, picking up scraps of wood and bits of paper to dispose of. She watched as he paid very close attention to the man working on the new door, intently watching his every move. Soon, he was wearing a nail apron, and pounding nails into scraps of wood. She was very proud of her son.

At the end of the day, the men picked up and Billy came home, happy as a lark. His mother asked him if he had had a good time, what the men’s names were, what kind of tools they used and so forth, and finally she asked him if he had learned anything.

“Oh, yes mother!” he replied, “Mr. Brown showed me how to install a solid oak door. They’re really quite heavy, you know.”

“Why, yes, I suppose they would be,” mother replied, “how does one go about installing a solid oak door?”

“Well, first you hang the god-damned door, then you take the son-of-a-bi*** back down, shave a **nt hair off the bottom and put the F***kin’ thing back up.”

Poor mother! She began shaking, her knees went weak, she was dizzy, she felt nauseous, and she had to lie down. “Just wait until your father gets home, young man!” she admonished.

Upon father’s arrival home, mother had Billy recount the day’s lesson to him, un-edited. Father’s countenance became very stern, dark and cloudy. A thunderstorm was approaching. “Young man” he spoke tersely, “go out into the yard this instant and get me a switch.”

Young Billy’s back straightened, his chest puffed up, and in his best grown-up voice told his father-



“F**k you. That’s the electrician’s job.”

[Scott nthQld]

There's only 2 states you should ever spend any time in..........Pissed and QUEENSLAND

[groverwa]

How Do You Feel?
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched hm pray and after about 45 minutes, as he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir. I'm Rebeca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years," said Morris.
"Sixty years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims," said Morris. "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked Ms. Smith.
"Like I'm talking to a f*&king brick wall!"

[pescados]

[QUOTE=FNQCairns;1223615]Letter to Men's Helpline:-


Hey Mate, I really need your advice for a serious problem:

I've suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.

The usual signs:

1. Phone rings, if I answer, the caller hangs up,
2. going out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night, about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?

QUOTE]

Clean up the crack and a bit of JBWeld should do the trick.