Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[charleville]

So these two Dublin lads, Shay and Jimmy, are lost in the Sahara desert. They're only desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see, and Shay asks if they can buy some water.

"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."

So off they go to the next stall and this time Jimmy asks for some water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."

"Custard???? Custard????" Shay says to Jimmy. "What kinda *&^%#@ place is this?"

By now totally desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."

Hearing this, Jimmy turns to Shay and says, "Janey mac - this is a trifle bazaar."


.

[charleville]

"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.

"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy.

"She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."


.

[Corinn]

My wife accompanied me when I went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, she found a hairstyle that she liked and asked the receptionist if she could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Please leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card."

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," my wife ex...plained.

"Yes," the receptionist replied, "but I need something you'll come back for."

[Chimo]

Julia Gillard met with the Queen in England.

She asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?

Are there any tips you can give to me?”

Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Julia frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”

David Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen

Julia went back home to Australia and asked Wayne Swan, her Deputy Prime Minister the same question.

“Wayne, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Wayne. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ended up in the men’s room and recognized Tony Abbott’s shoes in the next stall.

Wayne asked, “Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and Father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Tony yelled back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”Wayne smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Julia.

“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Tony Abbott”

Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into his face, “No, you idiot!

It’s the English Prime Minister, David Cameron!”

[Jarrah Jack]

CRICKET RESULTS.....

The latest cricket results just came to hand. The one day match between Pakistan and England with England winning 255 to 195..

A spokesman for the ICC was happy to announce that after a thorough investigation it could find no evidence of match fixing.





The match is scheluled to begin on the 21st of September.

[Chimo]

Mick is walking past Paddy's farm one evening when he hears seductive music coming from the barn.
He looks through the window to see Paddy dancing and stripping off

Bejaysus Paddy, what are you doing ?" says Mick

It's not what you think" says Paddy "me and the wife have been drifting apart lately so I went to see one of those counsellors and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor

[Chimo]

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[groverwa]

Horrid Feeling

[groverwa]

SENIOR DRESS CODE


Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.


Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:


1. A nose ring and bifocals


2.. Spiked hair and bald spots


3. A pierced tongue and dentures


4. Miniskirts and support hose


5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads


6. Speedo's and cellulite


7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar


8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor


9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge


10. Bikinis and liver spots


11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

[mangomick]

Got this email this morning

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket... Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[charleville]

What do you call a bloke who's born in Rockhampton, grows up in Townsville, and then dies in Cairns?








Dead.




.

[groverwa]

The Burglary

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to fine her house had been ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? The send me a blind cop!

[groverwa]

American History

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question. Then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

[Chimo]

The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk...

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late."


His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say! "WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep!

Works Every Time!!!"

[sparkyice]

channel 14 news was at the retirement home, interviewing the pensioniers on the secrets of their longevity.
the reporter, Sushimi Hondabishi, a lovely, pert, young thing, made her way about talking to the folks around the hall.
as she interviewed them, she got responses such as " well, i never drank or smoked", "i ate lots of fruits and veggies", "i went to bed early and woke at dawn", "i worked hard all my life, got plenty of exercise" , "iwent to church every sunday" ,"i volunteered at the youth center", etc. etc, all the normal healthy things we all should do.
then, she spotted a miserable wreck of a man in a dark corner, in his wheelchair, slumped over, with tubes in and out of every orifice of his body. his hair was long, grey streaked and greasy, he had but one or two teeth, his eyes all yellow and rhumey, his skin sallow and sunk in, his fingernails cracked and broken, his legs and arms wracked with arthritis and rhumitism, his breath was like kerosine and he reeked of tobacco and whiskey.
she asked him about his life.
"well, i started smoking cigars when i was 5, drinking whiskey when i was 4.
i started chasing girls when i was 7, and i caught a few too. that became a lifelong passion for me. i drank 2 quarts of whiskey a day since i turned 15, and 3 packs of cigarretes i smoked as well. i worked as a coal miner and was a bare knuckle street fighter in hong kong. i eat nothing but red meat. i never bathe, or brush my teeth. "
the old boy carried on for quite some time, and the young reporter blushed at the tales of his degenerate lifestyle.
finally, to end the interview, she asked him, "please tell me sir, how old are you?"
in his raspy voice, he replied..

"i'll be 34 next month."