Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[finga]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, bringsthe two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her,she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return,out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head.'

[groverwa]

Medical Terminology

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[finga]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died.
I'm married to his bloody widow."

[BGG]

A Poem for the Girls

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue
Then I turned around andsmacked the sh#t out of him....

Like his mother used to do.

[groverwa]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.


She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.


Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

[charleville]

One day Osama Bin Laden went to a fortuneteller and asked her "When will I die?"

She replied, "You will die on an American holiday."

So he asks, "Which American holiday?"

She says, "It doesn’t matter. When you die it will be an American holiday."





.

[shrunken pojie]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Chimo]

Global Facts Regarding Sex

At Any Given Moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex –(right now!)

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person (Finga) is reading Chatboards or watching vegetables (Bilge confession)

You hang in there, Sunshine ........

[groverwa]

The brown paper cowboy

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone'sattention.

"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat,a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paperboots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy

"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

[finga]

A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE'S BEEN LOCKED UP FOR 15YRS.
HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS. INSIDE, HE FINDS A COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF THE BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR.
WHILE TYING THE HOMEOWNER'S WIFE TO THE BED, THE CONVICT GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES TO THE BATHROOM.

WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND WHISPERS OVER TO HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS
GUY IS AN ESCAPED CONVICT. LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE HAS PROBABLY SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN... DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS OBVIOUSLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE COULD KILL US BOTH. BE STRONG, HONEY. "I LOVE YOU!"

HIS WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME THAT HE'S GAY , THINKS YOU'RE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG PETER (for you Chimo). "I LOVE YOU TOO!"

There you go. Some pay back Peter

[Donny Boy]

Deuce.........nice return of serve Scotty.

And with no malice intended..........."New Balls Please !!"

[Chimo]

A case for pissing and moaning

Finga phoned his telephone company to report that his telephone failed to ring when his friends called - and strangely, on the few occasions when it did ring, his pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly Finga.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman checked with his multi-meter and found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a metal chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, and thus cause the phone to ring.

…which proves that sometimes, some problems CAN be fixed just by pissing and moaning

So mate what your saying sounds totally reasonable... Time to up the medication.

talk soon

Cheers
Chimo

[finga]

Peter Chimo checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ...

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically,'But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued,Peter Chimo located the machine, inserted 15.00 Yenand stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later Peter pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, 20.00 Yen'.
'Why not?' thought Peter. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled outhis hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,
'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.'

Peter looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..

With trembling hands, poor Peter was able to withdraw his tender unit...
...which now had a button sewn neatly on the end....

The End

So I suppose poor Peter's pecker pipe needed some picking before he could pee perfectly.

Oii Peter. Do I still get the nice fruit cake when I come down??

[groverwa]

Three Little Pigs



Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.


'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy..


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'


You're gonnaLOVE me for this....







The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[groverwa]

If you don't laugh at this one, you're dead!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors..

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'