Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[groverwa]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went
to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was
very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[sparkyice]

" big butter jesus" is the nickname given to a huge statue of jesus a church in ohio, usa erected next to a major highway. it looks- er, looked, like a butter carving at the county fair.
lightning struck it and it burned down.
if you're interested, also click on the link to the song by haywood banks. it was written several years ago, and gives some background info.

http://videosift.com/video/Big-Butte...-to-the-Ground

http://videosift.com/video/Big-Butte...-Heywood-Banks

[Chimo]

Winter Exercise program...


Take one Weetbix.
Take an Aero chocolate bar.
Crumble the Aero over the Weetbix.
Voila!




AEROBIX!

[PNG1M]

A big brown bear and a little white rabbit were both squatting behind a bush, having a crap in Yellowstone National Park.

The brown bear said, "Hey rabbit, tell me...do you have any problems with sh*t getting stuck to your fur?"

Rabbit says, "Nope, I don't have a problem with it."

Bear says, "That's good!"

Then he picks up the rabbit and wipes his bum with him.

[PNG1M]

Thor got into trouble with the Gods and Zuess said he had to pay penance by going down to Earth and shagging a mortal woman all night long.

The condition was that he must tell the woman who he was.

So Thor went to earth and found a woman who happened to speak with a lisp.

He did the deed repeatedly for the whole night.

Next morning he sped back up to the Gods, but then realised he hadn't told the woman his name.

Thor zoomed straight back down to Earth and found the woman and announced to her in a booming voice...

"ME THOR..!"

She replied, "You thor? Me thor too! Me tho thor I can hardly p*th"

[finga]

A male patient is lying in bed and wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

[Chimo]

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Chimo]

AUSTRALIAN WAY

No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling!

It just all depends on how you look at same things.

Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in southern Queensland ’s, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime Minister Kevin Rudd great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889.

Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle. Remus Rudd:

Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


NOW That’s how it's done, Folks!

That's real POLITICAL SPIN

[URAGANGI]

How do you make blonds clap hands????? Tell them to jump!!!!!
How do you make them stand on their heads???? Tell them to roll over.
How do you make them beg???? Tell them to sit.
Well how do get a blond to sing then??? Easy just take her home!!!

Oh ohh.

[themissus]

Why are women so crap at skiing?



Because there's no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

[groverwa]

kev 07 museum


It has happened

[shrunken pojie]

Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.

Fook off say's Mick,
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

[GES]

THE ITALIAN SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Melbourne, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.


At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married
to the same woman all those years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,
'Well, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded,
'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied,
" I gonna go pick her up."

GES

[finga]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[Black_Rat]

O' dear