Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[nidrac]

T9 is the dictionary when you text.. it uses the keys you pressed and predicts what you want to say for each word

[Fatenhappy]

The neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. But if you must know, I'm going to use it on my Schnauzer.

The pharmacist says, "Well … better stay off your bicycle for about a week or so."

[Chimo]

This could also be News "Fishing For Luv"

Horny roo stalks NT women
JASMIN AFIANOS
May 14th, 2010


A BRAWNY kangaroo that has been seeking love of late has focussed his lust on the women of a Territory town.
The well-endowed macropod has been hanging around the Honeymoon Ranges in Tennant Creek recently, making every effort to woo a woman.
One resident who walks along the bike track to the Mary Ann Dam regularly said she realised she was being followed early one morning.
"I turned around and saw this big kangaroo behind me, so I hastened my steps," she said.
"It seemed a bit odd, but I continued walking and didn't think much about it.
"Then on the return walk he was there waiting for me," she said.
"With his male pride on full alert, he started circling me.
"There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing.
"It was a huge kangaroo and quite intimidating.
"I yelled at him to go away, waved my hands about and let him know I wasn't interested, but he was persistent - I'll give him that."
The woman said the roo bounded off when other walkers approached.
The jolly jumper made another appearance at a recent night-time speedway meeting.
Mother-of-three, Tanya Wilson, who was behind the pits, noticed he had come to check out the action.
"I thought it was strange that a kangaroo would come to such a noisy place, but I grew up around kangaroos so I went up to say hello," she said. "There I was having a nice chat to him when I heard others calling out to me, warning me to step away.
"I didn't take any notice of them because I didn't think I had anything to worry about. I thought he was just a cute, friendly kangaroo."
Tanya was oblivious to the amorous nature of the interlude, but the kangaroo's intentions were clearly evident to other speedway fans.
"Yeah, apparently he was quite aroused," she said.
"I'm actually glad I didn't notice." ** "Obviously she's been married a while" ED
There were reports a male speedway fan confronted the kangaroo but came off second best when the beast punched him in the face

[sparkyice]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes
back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I
swished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[TimiBoy]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it and on, and on, and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as hedragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

[Chimo]

These are very G and just for the children; and child in us all. C




http://www.reachingtheanimalmind.com/chapter_04.htmljavascript:showAnswer( 'ch_4_vid_1' );

[Donny Boy]

For the Handyman in all of us.......you may find this helpful around the shed.

Tools of the Trade explained..........

Drill Press.
A tall, upright machine, very useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of your hands, so that it smacks you in the Chest, and flings your drink across the room, splattering all over that freshly-stained ( or painted ) whatever.

Wire Wheel.
Useful for cleaning paint off bolts and throwing them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light.
Also can remove fingerprints and hard earned Guitar Callouses in the time it takes you to say " Faaaaaaaa...........!!!"

Skil Saw.
A useful, portable cutting tool, used for making studs too short.

Pliers.
A tool used to round-off Bolt Heads. Also good for the creation of Blood Blisters.

Belt Sander.
An electrical Sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs, into major refinishing jobs.
Caution ; Avoid using for Manicures.

Hacksaw.
From the family of Cutting Tools built for frustration enhancement.
It can transform human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you try to influence it's course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise Grips.
Generally used after Pliers to completely finish the job of rounding off a Bolt Head.
If nothing else is available, it can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Welding Gloves.
Heavy Duty Leather Gloves, generally used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch.
Apart from being used in conjunction with Welding Gloves, used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shed on fire.
Also, very handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want to get that bearing race out of.

Whitworth Sockets.
Once used for working on older British cars & Motorcycles, but are now mainly used to impersonate that 9/16 or 1/2 socket that you've been searching for, for the last 45 minutes.

Table Saw.
A large, stationary power tool, generally used to launch wooden projectiles to test wall integrity.

Hydraulic Floor Jack.
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed the new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

4 x 4 x 2.4 Treated Pine.
Used for levering a car upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

Tweezers.
A tool that is useful for the removal of splinters originating from 4 x 4 x 2.4 Treated Pine.
Also good for removing wire wheel wires.

E-Z Out Bolt & Stud Extractor.
A tool ten times handier than any known drill bit, that always snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending any possible future use.

Radial Arm Saw.
A large, stationary power saw primarily used for scaring the kids into another part of the yard or into choosing another line of work.

Compound Mitre Saw.
A smaller, and handier power saw, that can test the patience of most people, by seeking them to question the graduations of angles, printed onto the cutting table, by someone who is, presumably, skilled in these things.
Also useful for testing walls and scaring kids.

Engine Hoist. ( Two Tonne)
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything that you forgot to disconnect.

1/2" x 24 inch Flat Blade Screwdriver.
A very large pry bar that for some inexplicable reason, has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite to the handle.

Trouble or Mechanics' Light.
The home mechanics' personal tanning booth, and a good source of Vitamin D, "The Sunshine Vitamin", which is normally not found to be present under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, its' main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm Howitzer shells might have been used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.

Hammer.
Originally a weapon of war, but nowadays used as a sort of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts on anything, adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

Cold Chisel.
Usually confused with the Popular Music Group, blaring on the shed stereo, but in reality, a very useful tool for centering the areas of your thumb, forefinger and wrist, that you wish to destroy with the hammer.


:smiley:

[Donny Boy]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.



The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '



The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.'


Sound familiar ???:smiley::smiley:

[groverwa]

Wife 1.0 (Upgraded)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5, and Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!!

THE REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a “Utilities and Entertainment program”.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this.

Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under “Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults (GPFs).” You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF’s are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2.

You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

[finga]

We all remember the KFC"Hillary Meal":
small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the “Rudd” Bucket:
it consists of nothing but left wings and an a Parson's nose.

(A Parson's nose a chook's bum for those who don't know)

[groverwa]

Flow chart

When top level guys look down, they see only sh!t;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only @rseholes...

[sparkyice]

this is not a joke ,and not particularly funny, either, but i wanted to share and didn't know where else it would fit in. my brother sent it to me.
:huh:




OK, now, see, I shouldn't have your email address. I'm just some guy on the rim of the internet, watching emails go by. So, some person -- who wasn't thinking clearly, who didn't understand your desire for a little privacy, and who has never thought about respectful etiquette on the internet -- left your email address for everyone to see in a message that was forwarded to a bunch of people at once. We didn't have to meet this way. That person didn't have to give your personal email address away. But they did.

Just be thankful it didn't end up in the hands of the guy who sells addresses to spammers, who will then try to sell you every drug, and ask you to update your compromised bank information, and send you a package delivery receipt, and share the inheritance of a dead Nigerian banker with you. You know: those guys who make your email address useless, as you wade through mountains of SPAM to pluck the one message you want.

That person who sent your address to me COULD have used the "BCC:" field to address their email to all those people, instead of placing all those names of people you don't know in the "TO:" and "CC:" fields. That person COULD have scoured the email they forwarded to you, and REMOVED all the email addresses from inside the message.

But they didn't.

Take the hint. Learn about "netiquette" (that's internet etiquette). You can Google it. Then practice safe email. You wouldn't give away the personal phone numbers of all your friends, would you? Then don't give away their email addresses, either.

After you get nicely confident in the right way to do things, maybe you should look back through your email, and find a message with lots of email addresses in it, and have a polite but firm discussion about privacy concerns on the internet with the person who sent it.

********************

ONLY use "BCC:" to address messages to varied people, unless ALL those people are actively participating in the conversation, and EXPECT their email addresses to be shared (and when in doubt, use "BCC:" anyway). In the "TO:" field, just put YOUR OWN address. Then each person who receives the email blast will only see YOUR address, as the sender, and THEIR single address (if they dig through the headers) as the receiver.

Don't know how to use "BCC:"? Ask a local geek, or Google "How do I use BCC?" But don't ask a spammer. They hate that feature.

********************

ALWAYS remove all unrelated email addresses from messages you forward. Just delete them. The people you are forwarding the message to don't need them, but spammers would love to get them.

********************

Want to know if you've done it right? Check the copy of the email you sent to yourself when you put yourself in the "TO:" field. You should only find ONE email address anywhere in that message: your own.

********************

Make sense? I hope so. You would not believe how easy it is for the unrepentant spammers, and their enabling address-collectors, from harvesting poorly secured email.

Back to the rim for me.

Netiquette Man

[shrunken pojie]

this is a " G" rated site.



LP>
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[charleville]

Murphy walked with his dog every day all through the village, so everyone knew both Murphy and his dog.

One day Murphy is on his walk without the dog. Cronin sees Murphy and asks, "Where is your dog?"

Murphy answers, "I had to have him put down."

"Was he mad?", asks Cronin."

"He wasn't too pleased," says Murphy.




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[charleville]

"Another blizzard in New York. I saw a cop yesterday and he was up to his neck in snow.

I said, 'Wow, you're having a rough day.'

He said, 'Yeah, it's even rougher on my horse.'"



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