Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #2986

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

    The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

    We're the same age,We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

    'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

    'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

    'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

    'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

    'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

    'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
    Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh!t out of them and eat 'em!'

    'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh!t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

  2. #2987

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    So it's politically incorrect






    A P@kist@ni dies and goes to Heaven. ...

    He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

    "Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

    "I am here for Jesus", says the P@kist@ni. .

    St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"





  3. #2988
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Heaven and Hell

    While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the 'accident and emergency' dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

    So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

    'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

    'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

    'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd

    'I'm sorry..But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ....all the way to Hell.

    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

    The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22Cdegrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there
    (and all the socialists from other parts of the world..)

    Everyone is laughing, happy and casually but expensively dressed.

    They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

    'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.

    'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

    Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

    They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

    When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

    So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

    'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

    The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

    With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

    So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

    The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

    He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

    The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

    The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!
    What could go wrong.......................

  4. #2989

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    there's only 10 kinds of people in the world.

    those who understand binary numbers, and those who don't.
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  5. #2990

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    THESE REALLY WORK! I tested several of these and it's for real!

    AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

    1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

    2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

    3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

    4. A MOUSETRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

    5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

    6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

    7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

    DAILY THOUGHT:

    SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

    .
    My dictionary defines green as ‘unripe, immature, undeveloped'. Perfect description.

    Most political parties are seen as interested in what the voters think, the Greens are seen as thinking the community should be interested in what they think.

  6. #2991

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

    'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
    I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
    I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
    George W. thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

    The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
    He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
    'No!' said George W. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

    The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did wa swing the hammer, time after time.

    'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George W.

    The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
    Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    George W. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

    The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!

  7. #2992

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman.
    So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
    Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because a##holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty.
    "The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

    And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

  8. #2993

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
    between the legs of me wife!"


    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
    the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

    The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
    with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
    be in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
    I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

  9. #2994

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

    "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

    "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy boofhead and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."





    .

  10. #2995

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Not a joke but still good humour

    George Carlin's Views on Aging
    Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

    'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

    You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

    'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life
    ! You become 21.. Even the words sound like a ceremony.YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

    But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.. What's wrong? What's changed?

    You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone...

    But! wait!! !
    You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

    So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60..

    You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

    You get into ! your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST92.'

    Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
    May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

    HOW TO STAY YOUNG

    1. Throw out nonessential numbers.. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

    2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

    3.Keep learning.! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name isAlzheimer's.

    4. Enjoy the simple things.

    5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

    6... The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

    7. Surround yourself with what you love
    , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.

    8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

    9. Don't take guilt trips... Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

    10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity..


    AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
    Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath
    away.

    Life's journey is not to
    arrive at the grave safely
    in a well preserved body,
    but rather to skid in sideways,

    totally worn out, shouting
    '..holy sh
    * t ......what a ride!'

  11. #2996

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    From my 10 year old nephew over the weekend ...

    "Why is a fire engine red? .... Wouldn't you be if someone pulled your hose out !!!"

  12. #2997

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Some of these are classics

    The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.

    They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!



    Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

    Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

    Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

    The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

    Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.

    In the first Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

    Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

    Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

    Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen”. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

    It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

    Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.

    Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

    Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

    On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth,a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career

    Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

    Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

    The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

    Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

    Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

    Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

    Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

  13. #2998
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
    and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

    The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

    She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
    What does it look like?" she finally asked.

    The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
    handed it to the policewoman.

    "Here it is," she said.

    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

    "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop"
    What could go wrong.......................

  14. #2999

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    The Wrong Side Of The Bed

    As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."
    But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
    Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.
    Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
    She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
    Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
    Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."
    Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"

  15. #3000

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Blonde Jokes
    A blonde housewife, at the end of her tether from sleepless nights listening to the neighbour's dog's constant barking, finally stomps out the room in her dressing-gown and muttering under her breath.

    5-10 minutes later she climbs back into bed again, her husband turns over and asks where she's been.

    "I've put the neighbour's dog in our garden, let's see how THEY like it!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

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