Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[where_is_dave]

LMAO Good work guys

[Hookem_Herby]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

[boof]

Thought for the day

[zedjack33]

An elderly man went to the doctor’s office to have a sperm count done. When the doctor called him in to the office and asked the man how he could help, he replied that he would like to have his sperm count checked. The doctor asked if he was planning another family, and the old guy says, "No, I am 73 and my wife is 67, I just want a sperm count done." So the doctor gives the man a vial and tells him to take it home and when he gets a sample, to bring it in to the office. So the next day, the doctor sees the same man in the waiting room, and calls him in to the office. "Do you have a sample for me already?” the doctor asks. "No I don’t", replies the old man. "I tried with my left hand, and nothing, then I tried my right hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife to help and she used her left hand, her right hand, nothing worked. She even took out her teeth and used her gums. We just couldn’t get the lid off the bottle.

[Beggsy]

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to
take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.
While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to
Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in
Israel for US$500.
The man says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure?
That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Beggsy]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there For TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother
heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR
delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[Beggsy]

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would
somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to
his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a
ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
he voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."
"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.
John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I
have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a
while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much

all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next
day it starts all over again."
"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"
"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo."

[jimbamb]

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance,if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating,she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire,with scissors shoved deeply into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his rear end.
Further studies are expected

[SCOTTYGC]

A man comes home from work on a friday sits in his favorite chair and says to his wife "get me a beer before it all starts will ya"so with a puzzeled look on her face say gets him a beer. The guy finishes his beer and says "get me a beer before it all starts will ya"she gets him another beer and goes back to preparing dinner . The guy finishes his second beer and yell agian"get me a beer before it all starts will ya" The wife has had enough and comes and in yelling and curseing at him ÿou have done nothing since you got home, The guy turns to her and says "looks like its started"

[MTpockets]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[MTpockets]

Interstate Relations

Four guys are driving cross-country together, one from South Australia, one from Tassie, one from Queensland, and the last one is from Victoria.
A bit down the road the Tasmanian starts to pull apples from his bag and throws them out the window. The South Australian turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Tasmanian says, "Mate, we have so many of these damned things in Tassie they're lying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the South Australian begins pulling bottles of wine from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The Queenslander asks "What are you doing that for?"
The South Australian replies, "Man, we have so much of this damn stuff in South Australia I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the Queenslander opens the car door and pushes out the Victorian.

NB - Before the state rivalry comes out just have a good laugh, change the states (or nationalities) and send it on to your frineds and wait for the laughter to duplicate.

[GES]

A fishermans story.


Paddy and Colin, 2 Irishmen, were walking along the street towards the outskirts of their town in Ireland.
They noticed 2 of their friends, Sean and Brian, walking towards them from the direction of the river and they each had a large salmon under their arms.
Paddy says to the fishermen "Well now, look at that. Where'd ye get the fish from?"
Sean says " The river's full of 'em at this toim of the year Paddy. They're moigratin upstream to spawn. Arl ya got te do is hang over the bridge and grab 'em as they come past."
So, off Paddy and Colin go to catch a salmon.
Colin grabed Paddy by the legs and hung him over the bridge. He hung there for ages, then suddenly he started to squirm and yelled out "PULL ME UP COLIN, PULL ME UP!!"
Colin excitedly says "Have ye got a fish Paddy, have ye got a fish??"
"NO.... THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMIN'!!!"



GES

[sir_noelus]

You prob heard it B4. Two guys were fishing in their boat near a bridge. There a couple of hours, caught a couple, when a funeral procession crossed the bridge. Joe put his beer on the seat and silently stood. He removed his hat, placed his hand over his heart and waited till it had passed. Bob said "Hell mate, I didn't know anyone could be that affected by a simple funeral procession". Joe replied "It's the least I could do, We were married for thirty two years".

[sir_noelus]

Little four year old Dave came home from Kinder. His Mum asked how his day went. Dave says "We had a beaut farm visit today. We saw cats, dogs, sheep, lambs, cows and a paddock full of ####ers. Mum was devastated but keeping her cool said "That's lovely Dave, I know all about the cats, dogs, sheep and things, but what are these '####ers"? "Miss Edwards called them 'heifers', but we all knew what she meant" replied Dave.

[jeffo]

that last joke wouldnt be courtesy of billy conolly would it