Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[cormorant]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read:

"New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30years earlier than the Victorians".

One week later, the Courier Mail in Brisbane, Queensland, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Beenleigh, Queensland, John Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all. Johnhas therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Queensland had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be a Queenslander!

[BGG]

A man calls his lawyer's office and says, "I need to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist responds, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but he died last week."
The man says "Oh, sorry, I didn't know," and hangs up.
The next day he calls again. "I need to speak to my lawyer."
Again the receptionist tells him that his lawyer passed away the week before.
Again he says, "Sorry," and hangs up.
The next day he calls again. "I need to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist says, "Sir, I'm certain I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The man says, "Oh, yes, you did -- sorry to have bothered you," and hangs up.
The next day he calls again. "I need to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist, by now very annoyed, says, "SIR! I've told you more than once, he died last week! Why do you keep calling here??!"
The man sighs and says, "I just enjoy hearing it."

[groverwa]

Not An Enemy In The World

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."

[Chimo]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

This is really amazing. If you change only 4 letters in the word milk, it becomes beer.

[groverwa]

NELSON MANDELA


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching aclip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese manstarts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the littleChinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hehears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrongname! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:


(It's a beauty)



(Wait for it)






(Get your best Chinese accent ready)












'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[groverwa]

Is your day better than this??

[groverwa]

The real reason man created fire

[sandman55]

I hope I haven't posted this before.

[sandman55]

What you young fella's have to look forward to

You know you're getting older when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Automotive horror
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[groverwa]

This is what Tiger Woods really wanted to say at his Press Conference..........
>
> Let me just say to all my fans that I feel sorry for everyone who criticized
> me for my extra-marital affairs. You must live a miserable existence if you
> have nothing better to do than read about my personal life in the tabloids.
> But I suppose I should provide an explanation about my behavior so that you
> will continue to buy the products I endorse.
>
> So here goes. I am an average looking man of mixed racial descent. Like
> most men, I had trouble getting pussy before I became a famous
> multimillionaire. I did okay at Stanford because I was on the golf team,
> but the women there graded out with a "B" because they were leftovers that
> players on the football team didn't want. Before that, I got nothing
> because I have a bland personality and big lips.
>
> Then, I win a few golf tournaments and women are lining up at my door. Of
> course, I took advantage of my opportunities. These were women who wouldn't
> give me the time of day if I sold insurance or worked on a used car lot.
> They wanted me so they could brag to their friends about having s^x with a
> celebrity, while holding the belief that one day they would live a life of
> luxury as the wife of Tiger Woods. When that didn't happen, they seized on
> an opportunity to sell their story to the tabloids, all the while looking
> the part of a woman scorned.
>
> Now I want to discuss my wife. When I met Elin, she was just like the
> others, except she played the "hard-to-get" strategy that women often use to
> corral men. It worked. She had all the qualities I wanted in a woman:
> pretty face, nice t!ts, nice ass, and an inviting personality. We dated
> for a while, had wild s^x, and we genuinely enjoyed other's company. When I
> asked her to marry me, she accepted. Why wouldn't she? Only an idiot would
> say no to a lavish lifestyle that most people only dream about.
>
>
> Our marriage was okay. We have two wonderful children and Elin is a good
> mother. But since she had those kids, she's become a bitch, and doesn't
> want to have sex very often. And, she won't accompany me on road trips,
> except to the major championships. Unfortunately, my job requires that I
> travel to a different city every week where women nod approvingly at me
> where ever I go. Do you see the problem here?
>
> To all the men out there: What would you have done in my shoes? Would you
> have said no to all the woman who lined up to meet you, especially after
> listening to your wife bitch at you over the telephone for not spending
> enough time at home with her and the kids? And to all the women: How many
> of you would have turned down an opportunity to spend a night with me,
> knowing that you could sell your story to a tabloid for 500K?
>
> I feel bad about the potential damage my actions might cause my kids. As
> for Elin, I can think of at least 300 million reasons why she will be okay
> if we divorce and she is forced to survive on her own.
>
> And don't forget that vast support network she will have after appearing on
> Oprah and The View.
>
> As for me, I have paid dearly for my transgressions. I have lost millions
> and might lose custody of my children. Almost everyone who sees me takes
> great pleasure seeing me in pain.
>
> Now here I stand, while you sit there anxiously waiting to hear my heartfelt
> apology, when all I really want to tell you is "&%^K OFF"

[Chimo]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his trousers, and looked in the hall mirror to see that the cheeks of his arse were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on a Band-Aid as best he could wherever he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and arse and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your snoring in the night and those bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those feckin' Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror!!

[Chimo]

WHY GOD MADE MUMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us...
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[greenie61]

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside..

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

[Chimo]

When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.

A farmer got in his ute, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?""No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"What about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? Said the boy “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar ...but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[groverwa]

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that bxxx jxx I promised you?"

"Here it comes."