Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[baitwaster]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.
I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[Noelm]

A drunk is walking past a Fish and Chip shop late at night, the owner is inside cleaning up ready to close, the drunk yells out "hey mate, you got any chips left?" the owner shouts back "yep, plenty" the drunk then yells, "well serve yourself right for cooking so many"

[littlejim]

A drunk walks up to a cab at Kings Cross, sticks his head in the front window, and asks the cabbie " ay mate, got room in your cab for a dozen beers and a couple of pounds of prawns?"
The cabbie says "sure". the drunk goes "urrrppp!" (technicolour yawn)

[Chimo]

Last Penny

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts
slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Taxation Office'.

[sandman55]

Exercise for the over 50's

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.


Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.


Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level--.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[HeadBanger]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

[mowerman]

The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.


Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.


Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short

[groverwa]

Lada cars

In order to boost flagging sales, each Lada was bundled with a free horse. Later, each horse was bundled with a free Lada.

What must you always have inside your Lada? A roll of toilet paper

What do you call a classic Skoda? A Lada.

What is the equality between a Lada and a magic wand? They both only works in the adventures.

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill? A miracle.

What do you call several Ladas at the top of a hill? A car factory.

What do you call 100 Ladas at the top of a hill? A scrapheap.

What's the difference between a Lada and tickets for an Oasis concert? Oasis tickets go fast!

What do you call a Skoda full of food? A Lada.

What do you call a Lada in the winter? A freezer.

What do you call a Lada with a sunroof? A garbage can. What do you call a convertible Lada? A Skip! A dumpster!

What do you call a Lada with no doors or windows? A climbing frame!

A jungle gym! How many people in a Lada? One. The other three are pushing.

How do you overtake a Lada? Walk

What is the difference between a Lada and the flu? You can get rid of the flu.

What is a Lada in 6 meters length? A Chevrolett.

Why buy a Lada? I dunno...dining table? Really sharp bed?

What do you call a Lada in the summer ? An oven. How do you know if your Lada is environmental friendly ? It doesn't start.

How can you tell if your Lada is of russian manufacture ? It doesn't cost more than a bottle of Vodka. It can run on Vodka.

How many people does it take to build a Lada? Four. Two to fold and two to paste.

How do you reduce the wait for delivery of your new Lada ? Bring back political crime in Russia

How do you tell if your Lada is made by convicts or ordinary workers? The car assembled by convicts has nothing missing.

How else can you tell if your Lada was built by convicts? Once it leaves the factory it runs and runs and runs ...

Why should you never try to assemble a Lada without being drunk ? You will get an AK47.

How do two Lada drivers recognise each other? It's easy... they already met at the garage this morning.

How do you avoid speeding tickets? Buy a lada How do you know that your Lada has been burglarized? Nothing is missing.

Did you hear about the bloke who had his Lada broken into? The thieves put him a radio in!

What do you call a Lada driver who says he has a speeding ticket? A liar.

How can you tell a man driving a Lada? He wears dark sunglasses.

How can you tell a Lada driver from the other people wearing dark sunglasses? He doesn't have a white cane.

What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada? You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.

Why are Lada drivers like corned beef? They both come in tin cans

What is the similarity between a Lada and a bathtub? You cannot step out of either one in a public place.

What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep? It's less embarrassing being caught getting out the back of a sheep.

Whats the difference between a Lada and a tampon? The tampon comes with its own tow rope.

I had to part with my Lada as it was costing too much, I was only doing 10 miles to every pair of trainers/running shoes.

What do you call a person that drives the Lada for pleasure ? A sado-masoquist.

How do you double the value of a Lada? Fill the gas tank. Chuck a penny into it.

Can Moskvitch accelerate to 120 km/h? Yes, but only once.

What is the maximum acceleration of a Lada? 9.8 m/s², only in the downward direction, however.

Why is there one extra pedal on a Lada? To inflate the airbag.

What do you call the shock absorbers on a Lada? Passengers.

What happens if you apply rust remover to a Lada ? The Lada disappears.

Don't forget the Lada emergency get-you-home kit! Walking boots & a map.

What occupies the last 16 pages of the Lada User's Manual? The bus and train timetables.

What does the trip counter in the Lada say when it is passing 10,000 miles? Game over!

What is a must-have before driving a Lada ? Life insurance

What do you call a rust-free Lada? A miracle.

What's the definition of an optimist?
The owner of a Lada with an alarm system.
The owner of a Lada with a radar detector.
The owner of a Lada with a trailer hitch.

Want to buy the new 16 valve Lada? 4 in the engine, 12 in the radio.

How do you recognise a Lada Sport? When the driver is wearing running shoes.

What do you call a Lada with twin exhaust pipes? A wheelbarrow.

What do you call a Lada with automatic windows? A toll booth.

Why do Ladas have a rear wash wipe ? To remove the flies that crash into them.

Why do Ladas have heated rear windows? To keep your hands warm whilst pushing them.

Why do Ladas need two spare wheels ? So you can cycle home.

A guy goes into his local garage and asks "Do you have a windscreen wiper for my Lada???" "Sounds like a fair swap" replied the man in the garage.

[shrunken pojie]

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door.
His bedroom looks like Mission Control.
Eric came over, clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric

[groverwa]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...

And those who don't and are always

seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,

Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,

We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of sh!t

.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service!

[STUIE63]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress....

A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shatteredthe coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

[tinman42]

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door.
His bedroom looks like Mission Control.
Eric came over, clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric

When I had a problem with my computer I was told the problem existed somewhere between the front of the keyboard and back rest of the chair!
Likewise - he used to be my friend!

[Chimo]

Husband Store

> A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
> may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
>
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
>
> Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
>
>
> She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
>
> Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids
.
>
> 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
> So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
>
> Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
>
> 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
> She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
>
> 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
> Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
>
>
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
>
> Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
>
>
> PLEASE NOTE:
>
> To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
>
>
>
> The first floor has wives that love sex.
>
>
>
>
> The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
>
>
>
>
> The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[finga]

10 Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.


2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.


3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.


4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.


5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.


6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.


7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.


9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.


10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other

[coucho]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?