Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sparkyice]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen
and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me
a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three,
and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a
rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about
a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The farmer said "Why, that's impossible. I had him chained to an old transmission!"

[Chimo]

Tell it as it is!

[Dezzer]

ADVICE NEEDED
I am a sailor in the Australian Navy, my parents live in Western Australia and my brother in law is a New Zealander living in Adelaide, South Australia.
My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Melbourne for a living.
My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on charges of rape and murder.
I am in love with a prostitute who solicits around the naval dockyard. She says she loves me but knows nothing of my family background.
We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn't bother her at all.
When I get out of the navy we will open a brothel in Brisbane and my two sisters will work there to keep it in the family.
My problem is this, I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother in law being a Kiwi?

[aussiefool]

ADVICE NEEDED
I am a sailor in the Australian Navy, my parents live in Western Australia and my brother in law is a New Zealander living in Adelaide, South Australia.
My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Melbourne for a living.
My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on charges of rape and murder.
I am in love with a prostitute who solicits around the naval dockyard. She says she loves me but knows nothing of my family background.
We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn't bother her at all.
When I get out of the navy we will open a brothel in Brisbane and my two sisters will work there to keep it in the family.
My problem is this, I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother in law being a Kiwi?

Hell No...... What are you thinking???????//

[Mrs Ronnie H]

Had this sent to me

I bought a new Toyota Landcruiser and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'GeorgiaOn My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their songs.

Yesterday, some bloke ran a red light and nearly creamed me, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Assehole!'

Immediately the radio responded with a speech by Kevin Rudd

Damn I LOVE this truck



Ronnie

[greenie61]

Tiger Woods Movie

[sparkyice]

I had to go into Syracuse for some business yesterday. After parking the
car, I walked to the office building I was going to. Along the way I
passed several street bums. One particularly dirty guy who really stunk
came up to me and asked me for some money so he could get something to
eat. Half-jokingly, I asked him how did I know that if I gave him money
for food he wouldn't just go fishing instead. He looked at me funny and
said, "Fishing? I never go fishing. I spend my days trying to stay alive
on the street."

Getting serious, I then asked him if he would just spend the money on
beer. He answered, "You may not believe this, but I do not drink. Not a
drop."

I told him to come with me. I was going to bring him home and have my
girlfriend fix him the best meal he's ever had.

"Are you sure?" he asked, "I know I'm pretty filthy and I probably don't
smell too good."

"You'd be doing me a favor," I told him. "I want to show my girlfriend what a
guy who doesn't fish or drink beer looks like."

[snasman]

A woman applying for a job at a Queensland lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Rudd."

[googarra]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
Lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
Action.. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins
To slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
Grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her
Best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping
Rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
The horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
Struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
From unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's
Trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[mowerman]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary, Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights.
One is a native Indian from the Sarcee Reserve; another is a cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock auction. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East .

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Albertans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks:"At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward:"Once my people were few, he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'.."

.

[groverwa]

Worra Wabbit!!...............

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub,
(because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down


The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says,
'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties.
You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...




'Mixin-me-toasties.'

[Tester63]

"A woman applying for a job at a Queensland lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Rudd.""

This joke would work much better if you used Lawrence Springborg rather than Rudd. At least Rudd has won an election and unlike the Borg is likely to win his next one too.

[Tazy]

HOW TO LOOK AFTER YOUR BABY:



Tazy's Son

[groverwa]

Lifting a baby reminded me of the one about "Why are babies born with a hole in their head" and the answer is " So that the nurses can carry them like a six pack in case of fire"

[sparkyice]

the other day i was out fiishing by myself. the quiet solitude, the beauty of nature's glory, the cool breeze off the water put into a rather introspective mood.
as i looked back upon the years of my life, i realized i may not be very good at very many things, but boy, can i make skinny women fat.