Golfers
One golfer said to another, "Guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
"Great trade!" replied the other golfer
Golfers
One golfer said to another, "Guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
"Great trade!" replied the other golfer
Serious Talk
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
With that, his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
One for the kids
Q. What is the pink fleshy bits between a sharks teeth?
A. Slow swimmers
Q. What are Hundreds and Thousands?
A. Smartie poo
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.
The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating)..
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was really lucky.
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fisheriesin his boat..
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in fine you
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Taxation Office..
The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
"...a voice in my head keeps telling me to go fishing..."
It’s near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
An old man and woman were married for many years and they grew to hate each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'
Bloody women they think of everything!!!!
What could go wrong.......................
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Bubba, a furniture dealer in West Virginia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never travelled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his blackberry.
He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning
What could go wrong.......................
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Goal 6 Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Goal, tied score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 12 points to 6.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Goal, tied score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, a 'Point, I lead 13 to 12.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poos in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum) is arguably Queensland's most famous product! Forget Jamaican or any other rubbish! Now for you overseas people, a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. And it just so happens that out of the World's top 10 most venomous snakes Australia has a whole bloody 5.
Well I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundy and poured a little tot into its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp so I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
My dictionary defines green as ‘unripe, immature, undeveloped'. Perfect description.
Most political parties are seen as interested in what the voters think, the Greens are seen as thinking the community should be interested in what they think.
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