Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

The Maraschino Cherry

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'

'No, what?' replied the man.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy.
'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'

[groverwa]

no name country

[STUIE63]

that is a classic Mike
Stuie

[groverwa]

It was a good find from a similar warped twisted mind - and I have a no name daughter in law who lives just up the road from you

Mike

[sleepygreg]

A British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and gentlementhis is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!',

One Irish passenger yelled, ,
'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'

[Lancair]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their
pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all
around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no
sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A
lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was
strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the
fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken
glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back
door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,
looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something
serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over
the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and
walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas,
reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..

He looked at herbewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me
what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was hisincredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

[Scott nthQld]

yeah, but now she's got to clean it all up, how stupid is she?

[Axl]

'Hal lo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'


'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command. .’

Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.


'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

Saints preserve us says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[coucho]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discusstheir options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and
one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of youindulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he wouldnever again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to thesuburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing howseriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[coucho]

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection,
I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried
really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no
problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just
one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

[Chimo]

MIXED EMOTIONS



A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a
bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad
at the same time."

She said, "You have a bigger pen$s than all of all your mates."

[Kero]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop. So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex. Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wildlook in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen beforeIn the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming

'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[deckstar]

Australia Post had to recall all of there Anna Bligh stamps as they were not sticking to the envelopes...

on further inspection they found people were spitting on the front instead of the back.

[greenie61]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet
didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his
mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding
with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple
hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them
as the vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and
Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When It was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in
a boastful voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a towel!'

[greenie61]

The Irish wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.