Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[PNG1M]

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops

into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie .

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

[PNG1M]

A bloke was on a long trip driving from Melbourne to Darwin, via QLD.


The weather was hot; his a/c was playing up and he was hungry.

He found an isolated roadhouse near the QLD/NT border so he decided to stop for a feed.


He went in and there was a scrawny looking old sheila dressed in a shabby sleeve-less knee length skirt with a fag hangin' out of her mouth. A few flies were buzzing around near the counter area.

"So, what'll it be?" she asked, "Do you want to order?"

The bloke was pretty hungry so he checked the menu and said, "I'll have a beef burger and a hot dog thanks."


The sheila went to the freezer and took out a saveloy and beef pattie.

Then she shoved the beef pattie under her sweaty arm pit and pressed down.

Surprised, the bloke said "Hey, what are you doing that for?"

She replied, "Well, because of the heat and the flies I need to keep food in the freezer. This is a fast food joint so this is the best way to thaw the beef patties out quickly. The body heat works wonders!"


The bloke looked her up and down, glanced at the saveloi and thought for a second & then said...

"In that case, cancel the hotdog!!"

[Chimo]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.


He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.


(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.


'Where's Christian?' he asked.


'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'


Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'


Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........


(You're going to love this...............................)
.
.
.
.
.

.

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

[Mac1952]

A bloke was on a long trip driving from Melbourne to Darwin, via QLD.


The weather was hot; his a/c was playing up and he was hungry.

He found an isolated roadhouse near the QLD/NT border so he decided to stop for a feed.


He went in and there was a scrawny looking old sheila dressed in a shabby sleeve-less knee length skirt with a fag hangin' out of her mouth. A few flies were buzzing around near the counter area.

"So, what'll it be?" she asked, &quoto you want to order?"

The bloke was pretty hungry so he checked the menu and said, "I'll have a beef burger and a hot dog thanks."


The sheila went to the freezer and took out a saveloy and beef pattie.

Then she shoved the beef pattie under her sweaty arm pit and pressed down.

Surprised, the bloke said "Hey, what are you doing that for?"

She replied, "Well, because of the heat and the flies I need to keep food in the freezer. This is a fast food joint so this is the best way to thaw the beef patties out quickly. The body heat works wonders!"


The bloke looked her up and down, glanced at the saveloi and thought for a second & then said...

"In that case, cancel the hotdog!!"

Hope the husband didn't make the donuts.......

[Chimo]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour ######## who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'

[Lancair]

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..
Now, 86 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the
most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:
F#ck work.
Play golf.

[mowerman]

An aged man goes for a physical.

All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'Bert, everything looks great.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with God?'

Bert replies, 'God and I are tight.

He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,*poof*!, the light goes on.

When I'm done, *poof*!!, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife.

'Joan,' he says, "'Bert is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*!! the light goes off?'"

'OH MY GAWD!' Joan exclaims.

" He's pissing in the Fridge again "


.

[mowerman]

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife', she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'


Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob - Women like that are hard to find.'


.

[mowerman]

Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks," instructed the doctor. "The time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs.!
"Why, that's amazing!", said the doctor. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded. "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No! From the fookin' skippin'!!"


.

[mowerman]

This is worrying

Beer contains female hormones
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a
Recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.


.

[Xahn1960]

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers ('pullets')
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for
cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year,
the bells are not always audible.

[aussiebasser]

Anna Bligh was being chauffer driven around the Traveston Dam site when a cow wandered onto the road. The chauffer couldn’t avoid the cow and hit it. Anna said “You were driving, get out and check it.” He comes back and said “It’s dead, but it was a very old cow.” Anna says “You were driving, you go and find the owner and tell him.” An hour later he came back half dressed, half drunk with his hair all messed up. Anna says “What happened?” He says “Well, when I told him the farmer opened his best bottle of scotch and his wife cooked me a beautiful roast and his daughter made wild passionate love to me.” Anna says, “What did you tell them?” and the chauffer says, “I knocked on the door and told them I was Anna Bligh’s chauffer and I’d just killed the old cow!”

[mowerman]

What do you get when you cross a rottweiler with a chicken?

A rottweiler.



.

[Xahn1960]

Lizard Birth
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaim ed. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the
best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my on holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor... In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You
see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just, just . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face... 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little .. ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!

[Chimo]

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence,"says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."