Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sleepygreg]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their
wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special
occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession".

"Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years"

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold
your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of
the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

"She said 'I don't think you understand. My name was Brian and I played
for Parramatta ."

[Chimo]

Black and White

(Under the age of 40? You won't understand this but this is how
we lived, And we are still here to talk about it.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,?
'Good Night, Johnny.' 'Good Night,Dad.'

My Mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayonnaise
on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach,
but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mum used to defrost mince on the counter AND I used to
eat it raw sometimes.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown
paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember
getting sick.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the dam
instead of our public pool (talk about boring).
There were no beach closures then either.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a
jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took PE .. and risked permanent injury with a pair of
high top sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic
shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened
because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the
national anthem, and staying in detention after school
caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an
archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.
Then there was the milk left in the sun for us to drink each day. Good wasn't it?

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something
before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers,
Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 34 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah .... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit
when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the castle' on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the
48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it
didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our bum smacked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a
10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics,
and then Mum calls the attorney to sue the contractor
for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such
a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbour's house either because if we
did, we got our bum smacked there and then we got smacked
again when we got home.

I recall 'Bluey' Barnes from next door coming over and doing his
tricks on the front porch, just before he fell off.. Little did his
Mum know that she could have owned our house. Instead,
she picked him up and clipped his ears for being such a dill.
It was a neighborhood run amok.

To top it off, not a single person I
knew had ever been told that they were from a
dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger
management classes? We were obviously so duped by so
many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire
country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive??

GOOD FOR ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL
WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T
TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.

[Dantren]

Why Men don't write advice colums...

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.

[Salty_Dog]

Quick Joke is a Good Joke

After years of investigations into 9/11, the americans found it wasn't muslim terroists who attacked the twin towers. It was two irish builders fitting a door on the 44th floor. The door wouldn't fit so Mick told Paddy to fetch a plane and take a bit off the top.



Little Mohammed's first day at terrorist school:
Mohammed why are you late?
Sorry sir, I left my bag on the bus.
Well done A+



Mary had a little skirt
It was slit right up the sides
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
It was slit right up the front
But she didn't wear that one very often...



Jockeys at this years Melbourne Cup will appear wearing black arm bands out of respect for Jacko who successfully rode more 3 year olds in living memory!



Tiger Woods pulls into a petrol station in his $250k ferrarri and fills the tank with petrol.
He then goes in too pay the cashier
He starts to take the money out of his trouser pocket and has a golf tee in with his change
The cashier asks "what's that in with your change" "Oh that's what I put my balls on when Im driving" says Tiger
"Bloody Hell" says the cashier "Ferrari think of everything don`t they"

[Chimo]

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch.
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....

Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this Story? .... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS or GOM


Remember;
Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery always overcome Youth and Arrogance!

[Salty_Dog]

Sick of reading, sit back and relax.


Bill Bailey speaks of going to the pub.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qod7n...layer_embedded

[sparkyice]

roses are red
violets are blue
some poems rhyme
this one don't

[Chimo]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

[Salty_Dog]

Ah an oldie but a goodie there.... Last time i heard that joke the guy was a Mexican

[Sea-Dog]

roses are red
violets are blue
some poems rhyme
this one don't

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Jenny doesn't wear any.

[STUIE63]

Pete the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."



The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"



When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.



The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"



When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan..



The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"



When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?"



The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwi's laying the turf out front."

[Chimo]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor..

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied.
"Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take amoment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates.
"So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was screwing his wife.

[STUIE63]

Whipping

An Australian rugby fan, a Scottish rugby fan and a New Zealand
fans are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a
sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers,
they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life
imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday
the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh
decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of
the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh
announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me
to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Scotsman was first in line, he thought for a while and then
said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was
done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The New Zealander was next up. After watching the Scotsman's in horror he
said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two
pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the
New Zealander was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Australian was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world.
For this, you may have two wishes!""Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Aussie replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but, 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
And your second wish"?

"Tie the New Zealander to my back."

[STUIE63]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project, said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

Son, said John, this robot can't be lied to; now tell us where you really were after school.

We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy. What did you watch?' asked Marsha. The Ten Commandments. answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.

I am ashamed of you son, said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents. The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son! With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[STUIE63]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered,
'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is David. Could I please speak with Robert
Campbell?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right ****ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy
answered the phone, I yelled
'You're a ****!' and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '****' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
'You're a ****!'
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '****' Calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,
'Hi,this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're a ****!'
One day I was at LakesideShopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the Horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ****. (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover ****, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?'
'Yes, it is', he said.
'Can you tell me where I can see it?' I asked.
'Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front.'
'What's your name?' I asked.
'My name is Steve Hansen,' he said.
'When's a good time to catch you, Steve?'
'I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed.'
'Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?'
'Yes?'
'Steve, you're a ****!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a***holes to call.
Then one day I came up with an idea.
I called ****. #1.
'Hello?'
'You're a ****!' (but I didn't hang up.)
'Are you still there?' he asked.
'Yeah.' I said.
'Stop calling me!' he screamed.
'Make me.' I said.
'Who are you?' he asked.
'My name is Steve Hansen.'
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
'I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared... ****.' and hung up.
Then I called **** #2.
'Hello?' he said.
'Hello, ****,' I said.
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
'You'll do what?' I said
'I'll kick your a**e,' he exclaimed.
I answered, 'Well, ****, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street .
I got there just in time to watch two ****s beating the s**t out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.