Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh "

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Scott Mitchell]

One for Pinhead

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government, Kevin's Office', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that I am from the Rudd Government?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.

You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.'

Regards Scotto

[PinHead]

LOL..thanks for that Scott..patently obvious the bloke in the Beemer is from NSW.

[Scott Mitchell]

LOL..thanks for that Scott..patently obvious the bloke in the Beemer is from NSW.

I expect nothing less

It pays to have a sence of humour - Scotto

[Chimo]

Had to share this!

The world has gone mad!!!!!

Annual Stella Awards – Only in America
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 79-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head... So keep your head scratcher handy..

Here are the Stella's for the past year:


7th PLACE :

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas

Was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son!


6 th PLACE :

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California

Won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps!

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.


5 th PLACE:

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania,

Was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...


4th PLACE :

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas ,

Garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.

Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun..

3rd PLACE :

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania

Because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor - Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...


2nd PLACE:

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware

Sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 - oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.. Go figure.

1st PLACE :

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid?

[greenie61]

Two sharks swim down to the bottom of the ocean to check out the human shop.

The shop window say's......
"Australian $3:00 KG......Kiwi $3:00 kg.....Pommy $5:00kg"

One shark says to the shopkeeper "How come the pommy's so expensive"

Shopkeeper says " Have you ever tried to clean one"

[Damned67]

While those 'Stella' awards are amusing (even if some may be false), it's not too far from the truth.
When I lived in the US (Milwaukee), the local paper would run a section at the end of the year for strange law suits against the local council. The one I remember most vividly was a guy that sued the council (for about $12,000) for 'spraining' his ankle... sliding into home base in a softball game on a council run field. Even more amusing, six months later he sued for EXACTLY the same thing, at the same field, and won AGAIN!!!

[sparkyice]

three strikes and you're out?

as often as i stick myself with fishhooks, i should be a millionaire!!!
soon, the hooks will all come dull, like kindergarten scissors.

[PinHead]

the stella awards are all false..especially the supposed winning one.
But don't laugh..Main Roads Dept. has lawyers working there dealing with claims where people have tripped on footpaths and roads and gotten injuries like sprained ankles or a broken toe. the lawyers pay them out and send them on their way. Some of them are a real joke.

[groverwa]

Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate






Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[yellowbeard]

Fishing Boating & Off-Road Adventures:

[Chimo]

Well all you other GOMs and GOW heres one for us

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL....
YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'

[Chimo]

Two Catholic parrots...

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'


That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,that I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase . . in no time.'


Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

[Xahn1960]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Chimo]

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 000.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that.

What next?''