Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[greenie61]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...











' ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS ! '

[jimbamb]

The old mate was sittin on a bench in the park.He notices a little bloke sitting in the gutter with a cat..
He has a bag of smarties and he pops some into his mouth,drags the cat up and bites it on the tail,then moves a few feet down the gutter..
He repeats this a couple of times and it gets the better of the old mate and he goes over and asks the kid what is he doin..
"Playin Truckers" he replies..
"How you work that out?" he asks
"Easy" says the kid...
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"I'm Poppin pills..eatin pussy an movin on down the road"

[Mac1952]

Boss to blonde secretary during interviewWhat's the difference between a paperclip and a screw? Secretary: Dunno. I've never been paperclipped;A grandmother asks her nephew for a photograph.Having only a photo of himself in the nuddy, he cuts the photo in half but, by accident, sends gran the wrong half.He gets the following letter from grannyear Bobby,I like your new hairstyle, and it definitely makes your nose look a lot smaller....

[Scott nthQld]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit


Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!




The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.



On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.




Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ..... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!



Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.


Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a w@nker

[PNG1M]

PATIENT: Doctor, doctor... I keep thinking I'm invisible!

DOCTOR: "Who said that....?!"


PATIENT: Doctor, doctor... people just keep ignoring me!"

DOCTOR: "Next...!"


PATIENT: (peeling her top off after a few drinks) Doctor, doctor... I have acute angina..

DOCTOR: I should bloody well hope so, 'cos your tits are shocking

[Chimo]

EARS?

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

[Chimo]

Two Plastic Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[Chimo]

Greek Women

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Greek women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's a big controversy on the Greek view of when life begins. In Greek
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from
medical school.

Q: Why don't Greek mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Greek-American Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Demetra Does Dishes".

Q: Why do Greek Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

When the doctor called Mrs. Megakolos to tell her that her check came back,
she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call."

A Greek boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play
the part of the Greek husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and
tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Greek mother on the Street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days. "Â "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Greek Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Greek telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the
first Greek President. So the President-elect calls up his mother a few
weeks after Election Day; "So Ma, I assume you will be coming to my
inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, and your father isn't as young as
he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take
you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy, I don't know what on Earth I
would wear."
"Oh Mom," replies the new president, "don't worry about it. I'll make sure
you have a wonderful gown by Christian Dior."
Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your
friends like to eat"
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going
to be handled by the best Greek caterer in New York, and you can tell him
how to make the Tiropitakia. Mom, I want you to come."
So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, the son is being sworn in As
President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the New
President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her; "You
see that man over there with his hand on the Bible, becoming President of
the United States?" The Senator whispers back,
"Yes I do," the Senator replies.

She smiles and says: "His brother is a doctor."

[Chimo]

Now for NZ

Q. How does a kiwi find his sheep in long grass?
A. Quite Pleasant

Q. Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?
A. They eat all the grass.

The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved. The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and renamed "The Love Boat".
A man was found by police laying dead on his front lawn wearing an All Blacks top, pink panties and a dildo up his ar$e. The police removed the All Blacks top to save his family further embarrassment.

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Two Kiwi girls are browsing around a perfume counter, one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist and smells it.
"That's quite nice, donÂ’t you fink Trace?"
"Yeah Sharon, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the fock does that mean?"
At this stage the shop assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for ‘come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,
"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?

What's geographically wrong with New Zealand? It's above sea level

There were three people in a boat, 1 chinaman, 1 new Zealander, and 1 Aussie. The boat began to sink, so they threw out cargo they didnÂ’t need. The chinaman threw out some rice, saying "weÂ’ve got heaps of rice in China" the nz'er threw out a sheep saying "weÂ’ve got heaps of sheep in nz" and the Aussie threw out the new Zealander saying "weÂ’ve got heaps of these in Australia".

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another visitor from the Northern Beaches of Sydney. The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya bro?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders are saying?
Just by following these easy steps and you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
What you hear and what it really means:

BETTING : "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.

BRIST : Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "Billy"

BUGGER : As in "mine is bugger than yours".

BUN BUTTUN - been bitten by insect

BUG HUT - popular recording

CHULLY BUN : Also known as an Esky

DIMMER KRETZ : Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK : Language spoken in countries like "Surria", E-Jupp" and "Libernon".

EKKA DYMOCKS : University staff

GUESS : Flammable vapour used in stoves.

LEATHER - foam from soap

SENDLES : Thongs, open shoes

COLOUR : Terminator, murderer.

CUSS : Kiss

DUCK HID : Term of abuse directed mainly at males.

PHAR LAP : NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP".

ERROR ROUTE : As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".

FITTER CHENEY : A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger Tony".

PISSED aside - chemical that kills insects

PIGS - for hanging out washing

PUGS - pink animal with curly tail

[samsnap]

CHIMO - YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS!!
But I have an Italion Mother-in-law that I can use some of those Greek ones on!
May be posting on the "Wanted" section soon - new husband & Dekkie wanted
Sammy xx

[Chimo]

Any of yous want a working holiday with long white clouds and sheep?

[madman1]

New Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion
1.The woman buys the food

2.The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert

3.The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand

4.The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman

Here comes the important part

5.THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL

6.The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery

7.The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again

8.THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN

More routine

9.The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

10.After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

11.EVERYONE PRAISES THE MAN AND THANKS HIM FOR HIS COOKING EFFORTS

12.The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night offand, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

[groverwa]

Ponderings

And when asked "What is the best form of birth control after 50" I said "Nudity"

Do you know why a woman's work is never done - Because they do not get up early enough

When you think about it - God was the best inventor of all time. He took a rib
from Adam and made a loudspeaker out of it

[samsnap]

You Know Why Adam Was Made Before Eve????

You Always Make Your Prototype before Your Masterpiece!!!

Sammy Xx

[groverwa]

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You´re running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you´re being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you´re the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in his side. It was Eve poking him about the torso.

"What do you think you´re doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.