The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience all six of the following symptoms, please seek medical treatment
immediately:
1. High fever
2. Dizziness
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to $hit on someone's windscreen
MessageType into a Google search:- French Military Victories and hit "I feel lucky" and follow on from there.
IMPORTANT: You must be in google.com.au
Now, one for the ladies.......... reflections on life!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and
fart.
Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
A man and his wife , now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q : Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q : Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q:What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.
Q:How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals".
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And
send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
And sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,
You get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first......Those are the rules,' says the bartender...
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10
And the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender.....'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and
He did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
Then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,
He staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open
And there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
He says,
'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
What could go wrong.......................
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity,
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small peni$.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
Gee, Mom, he exclaimed. For me?
Just take two, Brenda replied. The rest are for your father.
Love
A man was sitting on the settee watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
"Shut up. You are having soup. I was talking to the cat."
I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring. Unfortunately, with the increase in gas prices and prices in general as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart Greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.?
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?
LOVE PETER
Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.?
LOVE MUM
Lesson of the day,
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
The Lost Bagpiper
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside near Kincardine and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and then walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
What could go wrong.......................
Fondling In Bed
What could go wrong.......................
Here is one for the twisted amongst us to try next time the kids are eating honey on their toast
"When you are eating honey
And your nose is runny
And you think its honey
It's not"
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: 'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's t8sticles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*8king siren, would I
What could go wrong.......................
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith"
What could go wrong.......................
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