Good onya Greenie.
Ya got too much time onya hands..
Very funny
Jim
Good onya Greenie.
Ya got too much time onya hands..
Very funny
Jim
(E=mc2) Very clever!!!!
Bundy's bad for you!!Had a bad case of the (s-less) swine flu' on Sunday morning...
It is well known that much of Australian humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "VB."
The head of XXXX smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
Problems from the start...
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.
"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
560c Bar Crusher "Overtime"
Scottish Jokes
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
"Dinnae be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in
the same sleeping carriage of a train, After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, let's kid-on we're married. The woman giggles and says, "Why not".
"Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket!"
A Glesga woman from Glasgow 's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh ,
she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?"asked the concierge.
”Toilet pepper! You bloody eejit"
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!"
One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and
said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some straw ... The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?
" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said omagoad! A talkin' pig!'"
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting
for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked
his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast
fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk!
"I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!
What could go wrong.......................
THE EMU
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback diner with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say’.
What could go wrong.......................
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle,
who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at
sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes
kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their
rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep
said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."
So they row a little farther... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do
you think we're out far enough now?
Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately
says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting
worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for
breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the
shovel."
a salty ol' sea captain tiredly peg legs into the pub. he has the wheel of a ship fastened about his waist.
step, thump-drag...
step, thump-drag...
step, thump-drag...
he finally make it to the bar and sighs...
"Yarrrrr, give us a rum, matey"
he tilts back the elixer, gives the whell a spin,and again says...
"Yarrrrrr, give us another rum, matey", and again he spins the wheel.
after a few more drinks of rum, and a few more spins of the wheel, the bar tender can no longer stand it. he has to know...
"cap'n," he says, "i have ta ask ye. whats with the ship's wheel, and why do you keep spining it?"
"Yaaarrrrrrrrrrrr," sighs the tired old salt,
V
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V.........." IT'S DRIVIN ME NUTS!"
This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking .
Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.
Think like a wizard . . ..
man
1. ------------
board
Ans. = man overboard
Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.
stand
2. ------------
i
Ans. = I understand
OK .
Got the drift ?
Let's try a few now and seehow you fare ?
3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
Ans. = reading between the lines
4.
r
road
a
d
Ans. = cross road
Not having a good day now, are you ?
Redeem yourself.
5. cycle
cycle
cycle
Ans. = tricycle
Not easy to figure out ha!
0
6. ------------
M.D.
Ph.D.
Ans. = two degrees below zero
C'mon give it a little thought ! !
7. knee
light
Ans. = neon light
( knee - on - light )
U can prove u r smart by getting this one.
ground
8. ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet
Ans. = six feet underground
Oh no, not again ! !
9. he's X himself
Ans. = he's by himself
Now u messing up big time.
10. ecnalg
Ans. = backward glance
Not even close ! !
11. death ...... life
Ans. = life after death
Okay last chance ....................
12. THINK
Ans. = think big ! !
And the last one is real fundoo - - -
13. abababababababababababababababababababab...
Ans. = long time no 'C'
A new supermarket opened.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and then smell of fresh
rain..
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent of fresh mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with
onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread
and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows
and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'
Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.
Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us.
I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.' 'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'
They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...' The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.
What could go wrong.......................
Something for the "Moody Cows" out there........
What could go wrong.......................
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the
house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with
the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he admitted that they had
been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was made redundant from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him
the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a number of faults
with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all
grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the
fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00....
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird
used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation,considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi Keith'
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