Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sleepygreg]

The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
~
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
~
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
~
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
~
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
~
'My wife's.
~
''What happened to her?'
~
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
~
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
~
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
~
'Can I borrow the dog?'
~
The man replied, 'Get in line.'

[harry_h01]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames."

[harry_h01]

Kevin Rudd the Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for an audience with the Queen. Rudd brings up his grand plans for the future of Australia. “Your majesty”, he begins, “can we turn Australia into a Kingdom in order to increase its status in the world?”

The Queen shakes her head and replies, “One needs a King for a Kingdom and you are most certainly not a King, Mr Rudd.”

Not to be dissuaded, he asks “Would it possible to be an Empire then?”

“No,” retorts the Queen. “You need an Emperor for an Empire and you are most certainly not an Emperor.”

“Aw shucks, what about a Principality then?” tries Rudd.

Predictably, the Queen replies, “You need a Prince for a Principality and you are most certainly not a Prince.”

Her Majesty takes a sip of tea and adds, “Mr. Rudd, having met you and several other Australians I think Australia is perfectly suited to being a country.”

[Chimo]

Japanese Hotel Service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ......

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the
hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'


Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out
his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of
his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds
later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service
Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped
his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut
off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

[trueblue]

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING). WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING !)

[PinHead]

[FONT='Trebuchet MS','sans-serif']Subject: Advice from a retired husband
>
> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
> becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
> when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
> Some are overly sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
> oversensitive woman.
>
> My name is Jim.
>
> Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.
>
> When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a
> full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and
> for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
> working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home
> from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
> &nbs p;
> Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
> rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
> her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
> dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
> club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
> grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we
> finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table
> for several hours after dinner.
>
> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
> evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
> this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
> to bed.
>
> Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
> say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
> during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
> just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
> two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also
> remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
> any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
> points.
>
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
> She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.
> I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
> nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
> while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
> make one for me, too.
>
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm
> not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
> find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
> than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys,
> even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
> wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
> worthwhile.
>
> After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
>
> Signed, Jim
>
> EDITOR'S NOTE:
>
> Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police
> report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
> Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
> showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested
> and charged with murder. The all-women jury took only 10 minutes to find
> her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking,
> accidentally sat down on his golf club.[/FONT]

[Chimo]

LETTER TO TRUWORTHS IN JOHANNESBURG

Dear Sir/Madam

I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 7 Aug 2009 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.

However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honorable and important as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.

I hope that yours will come out shortly.

Sincerely Yours,
Pinhead






PS: I regret to inform you that given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be participating in the next three draws.

[Chimo]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL!

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."


"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[shrunken pojie]

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured fromthe tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my ##### to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's ##### and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

[sparkyice]

this is so old, maybe it's new again...

when i was a kid lots of pubs and baitshops would have a sign behind the till-

around a cartoon of an old crone, the caption:

"HELEN WAITE IS OUR CREDIT MANAGER.

IF YOU WANT CREDIT,

GO TO HELEN WAITE"

[sparkyice]

Nancy Reagan's Letter of Forgiveness



You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man
who shot then U.S. President Reagan in the early 1980's.


Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster,
extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the
point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to
assassinate President Reagan.


There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter
from Nancy Reagan the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley
reports to have intercepted:




*
*
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My dear Mr. Hinckly,

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased
we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our
fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to
know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness
throughout.


The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne
against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of
how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of
desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy
and productive young man.


Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family


P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging
Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look
into that.

[Chimo]

The Difference between Campaigning and Voting


While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically
hit by a truck and dies..

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance..

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green
golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are
all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from
cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't
understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and
danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage
and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..

Today you voted.'

[Sea-Dog]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son
and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because
it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging
up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles
would be over..

I know you would be happy to dig the
plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the
old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

[greenie61]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(

Well, how about some 'Aussi-icons?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular arse



(__!__) a fat arse



(!) a tight arse



(_*_) a sore arse


{_!_} a swishy arse


(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse



(_X_) leave my arse alone



(_zzz_) a tired arse



(_E=mc2_) a smart arse



(_$_) Money coming out of his arse



(_?_) Dumb Arse

[Steve B]

A man was saying his nightly prays and asked god

"what do I need to do to get into heaven"

God replied "you need to give up drinking, smoking and sex'

The man replied "ok' with a sigh


5 weeks later God spoke to the man "well my son, how did you go???"

Man replies "well god, the smoking and booze was OK, but one day my wife was bent over the freezer in a short skirt....and well....I just couldn't help myself"

God replied in a stern voice "They dont accept that sort of behavior in heaven"

The man replied "funny you should say that....they dont at woolworths either"