Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a Queenslander when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local Pizza Shop on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Mortein on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a petrol cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your ute does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20.. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your number plate personalised because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ' Pizza Hut' on the side.
24.. The biggest city you've ever been to is Woolworths.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A cyclone hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th year graduation because you were on jury duty. [and
You were only in 5th year 'cause your father was in 6th]
30. You think fast food is hitting a kangaroo at 110.....

[leeroy1]

You know you're a New south Welshman/Victorian when......

You move to Queensland.


Leigh,

[Chimo]

Leigh,

You know you're a New south Welshman/Victorian ......


AND THAT FINALLY YOU HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT SO...............


You move( D) to Queensland.


Leigh, Your statement needed to be updated

Cheers
Chimo

[STUIE63]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!

Teacher gets annoyed: Where the hell did you get seven from?

Johnny howls: Because I've f###in already got one at home.

[BGG]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

[sleepygreg]

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

[PinHead]

classic BGG

[baitwaster]

The fishing trip

Joe and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because
his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Joe
headed home frustrated.

The following week when Joe's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Joe. He was already sitting at the campground
with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire
glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Joe?"

"I didn't have to," Joe replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went
home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I
couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my
eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see
through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to
the bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"

[2 weis]

brings a smile after a long day at work

[aussiefool]

Dead Penguins??

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"freeze a jolly good fellow."






"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

[charleville]

A bloke rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the barman line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew", the barman remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the barman sympathetically asked.

"Fifty cents."





.

[Chimo]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[Chimo]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN



A primary school teacher in Killarney asked her students to use the word
'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
And we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Blarney
Stone and I was fascinated.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
Way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called d on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunty Ann has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t$ts
are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[Chimo]

"Painting the Church"



There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.


As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.


Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke......



(you may love this)









"Repaint! Repaint!


And thin no more!"

[Xahn1960]

Pants and Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen
So his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
This family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
Never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
And I always will I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
Your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'