Shopping List
A lady was ill and her husband volunteered to go to the supermarket for her.
She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
He returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack
the grocery bags.
He had :
one bag of sugar,
two cartons of eggs,
three hams,
four boxes of detergent,
five boxes of crackers,
six eggplants, and
seven green peppers.
.
ahh chimo if only that were true
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"The wife yells back to him,"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
What could go wrong.......................
A bear walks into a bar in Bozeman, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Bozeman.'
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Bozeman.'
The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Bozeman.'
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Bozeman who are on drugs.'
The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.'
the bartender says "you are now..."
(you're gonna hate me)
"...that was a barbitchuate."
This may have been posted B4
Fred Smith had been out fishing all morning in local river
Having no success at all he packed up and went into the local fish shop and asked for four fish. He requested that the fishmonger throw them to him.
The fishmonger was intrigued and asked why.
Fred replied, "So I can tell the family I caught them".
New Orleans Crabs...
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to
take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised
to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he
was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave
me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think
What could go wrong.......................
The Pastor's Ass
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won .
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS .
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey .
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest.Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Amen to that!Originally Posted by BGG
Carbon Really Ain't Pollution.
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your a$$, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..
Logistics and Organization
After having failed his Exam in "Logistics and Organization", Danny goes
and confronts his lecturer about it.
Danny: Sir, do you really understand anything about the Subject?
Professor: Surely I must, otherwise I would not become a Professor!
Danny: Great, Well then I would like to ask you a Question. If you can
give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as is and GO. If you
however, do not know the answer, you must then give me an "A" for the
Exam.
Professor: Okay, it's a deal. So what is the Question?
Danny: What is legal, but not logical, logical but not legal, and
neither logical nor legal?
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor can't give
Danny an answer, and therefore changes his Exam mark to "A" as agreed.
Still puzzled, the professor later calls on his best student in his
class, Sihle, and asks him the same question.
Sihle immediately answers, "Sir, you see, you are 63 years old and
married to a 35 year old woman. That is legal, but not logical. Your wife
has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that
you've given your wife's lover an "A", although he should have really
failed, is neither legal nor logical."
THE PROFESSOR FAINTED!!!!!!!!!!
What could go wrong.......................
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Longreach farm and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation”.
The old farmer says, “Okay, but don't go in that field over there”.
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your card!............. Show him Your card!
What could go wrong.......................
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're
Nuts.'
.
My dictionary defines green as ‘unripe, immature, undeveloped'. Perfect description.
Most political parties are seen as interested in what the voters think, the Greens are seen as thinking the community should be interested in what they think.
Technically not a correct answer as the question was after ONE thing that covered all the bases. The answer contained 3 separate entities.
Hi Mini
Lets put it to the jury................
Cheers
Chimo
What could go wrong.......................
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote