Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sandman55]

The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is" While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and an absolutly gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Quick son, go get your mother!!!"

[Chimo]

Attention GOMs and others...............
AAADD
>
> KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
>
> Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
> Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
>
> Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
> Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
>
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my garden.
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
> I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage,
> I notice mail on the porch table that
> I brought up from the mail box earlier.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys on the table,
> put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
> and notice that the can is full.
>
> So, I decide to put the bills back
> on the table and take out the garbage first.
>
> But then I think,
> since I'm going to be near the mailbox
> when I take out the garbage anyway,
> I may as well pay the bills first.
>
> I take my check book off the table,
> and see that there is only one check left.
>
>
>
> My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
> so I go inside the house to my desk where
> I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my checks,
> but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
> The Pepsi is getting warm,
> and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
> a vase of flowers on the counter
> catches my eye--they need water.
>
> I put the Pepsi on the counter and
> discover my reading glasses that
> I've been searching for all morning.
>
>
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk,
> but first I'm going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the counter,
> fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
> I'll be looking for the remote,
> but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
> so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
> but first I'll water the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers,
> but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
>
> So, I set the remote back on the table,
> get some towels and wipe up the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to
> remember what I was planning to do.
> At the end of the day:
>
> the car isn't washed
> the bills aren't paid
> there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
> the flowers don't have enough water,
> there is still only 1 check in my check book,
> I can't find the remote,
> I can't find my glasses,
> and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
> I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
>
> I realize this is a serious problem,
> and I'll try to get some help for it,
> but first I'll check my e-mail....
>
> Do me a favour.
> Forward this message to everyone you know,
> because I don't remember
> who the hell I've sent it to.
>
> Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[groverwa]

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
1 Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2 Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7 Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9 Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10 How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT

[coucho]

new nikon with face finder technology! need to open them up

Attachment 46794
Attachment 46793

[coucho]

One weekday, a man decides to go golfing instead of going to work. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to make it to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?" "
No, I guess not," says God.
The man drives six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495-yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks,
"Why did you let him do that?"
To this, God says, "Who's he going to tell?"

[coucho]

male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still

heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,

Sir.. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles

black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry

about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment

and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his ##### in one hand and

his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them

around.


Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's

nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and

says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen

very, very closely..... .


' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - ba c k ? '

[Donny Boy]

A Vietnamese doctor says’ medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and
have him looking for work in six weeks'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing, we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in
four weeks'

A Russian doctor says ' In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks'

The Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind.
We recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland ,put him in Canberra for four years and now half the country is looking for work'

[groverwa]

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner..

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

[Donny Boy]

OBVIOUS REALLY!!!!!!

One day in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there, is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

“This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.!! “

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

“Ah,” said God. “That's Queensland, the most glorious place on earth.

There are beautiful people, Two Premiership football teams in the South East alone, many of whose players form the backbone of some of the greatest Representative Sporting sides to ever set foot onto a Sporting Field.
It has many impressive cities; it is the home of the World's Best Weather, Musicians, Writers, Thinkers, Sportsmen & Women, and Politicians.

The people from Queensland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
“What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE !”

God replied very wisely, “Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South !”




It's Origin time !!!

[Donny Boy]

As a Bloke & his wife, complete with the Mother-in-Law in the back seat, drove through the Toll Gates on a major Highway, Alarms went off, Bells started ringing, ..........there was a hell of a noise going on.

A Policeman approached the now-stationery Car and said to the Bloke......

" Congratulations !.......You're the 10 Millionth Car to pass through these Gates....

You've just won $ 100,000 in Cash !....How do you feel ??"

Now, the guys a bit surprised to say the least, and says to the Copper.........

" Geez.....I....uh....dunno !!

" Whaddya reckon you'll do with the money ??" asks the Copper.

"Well" says the guy......."I guess I might use some of it to finally get me Drivers' Licence...!!"

The Copper says " What ??......What was that !!??"

And the guys wife leans over & says to the Cop...............

" Aw....don't listen to him Officer.......He's Drunk......!!!!"

More than a bit shocked by now, the Copper says " Sir...., would you please step out of the Car !! "

And the Mother-in-Law leans over & says.....................

"See !!
I told you you'd have nothing but trouble driving a stolen bloody Car !!"

[akman1]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in
Islamabadand have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies almost ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are"Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies,just in case.

And at a local level...New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the Air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "she'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

[Xahn1960]

Little Bruce

Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"We are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher
saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two ####in’ Arabs!..."

[Xahn1960]

AFL or NRL ?


36
Have been accused of spousal abuse

7
Have been arrested for fraud

19
Have been accused of writing bad cheques


117
Have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses


3
Have done time for assault

71,
Repeat
71
Cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14
Have been arrested on drug-related charges

8
Have been arrested for shoplifting

21
Currently
Are defendants in lawsuits and

84
Have been arrested for drunk driving
In
The last year



Can you guess which organization this is? AFL? NRL?


Give up yet? .. . ..

Scroll down






Neither,
it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA


The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year,designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[siegfried]

[quote=Donny Boy;994059]Superb - -
it needs to be read slowly and carefully to be appreciated!!!

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying posspits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse overollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knockedon Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and letoff a fig bart."Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted,he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls anda hig bard on.He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

[4x4frog]

That brings back so many great memories of my childhood, sitting around the TV at my grandarents and watching the Two Ronnies with my english grandad.
siegfried, if you have never seen it go to your local video store and see if they have a copy or better still go to the ABC shop and order it. Seeing Ronnie Barker recite all that with Ronnie Corbett sitting beside him trying not to die laughing is the funniest thing you will ever watch.