Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.



2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.



3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...



4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.


5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.



6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise..



7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.




8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.



9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World.
Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.



10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.



11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.



WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED BY KRUDD OR HIS US EQUIVALENT THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS.

[akman1]

A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy admitted that this was the case.

'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mac1952]

Chimo,
Thanks for brightening a bad day with some brilliant stuff!!!!

Mac

[groverwa]

The effects of BEER - lady fisher persons must not look at this site

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

Mike

[BGG]

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing an All Blacks jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark.
As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semi-conscious Kiwi fan from the water.
Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions.
I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and New Zealand rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing.
Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

[Chimo]

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop the pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss backanother shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetchnew one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouthfollowed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of waterdown throat to wash pill down..

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill.....

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

That's what I like about a dog!!!

[Chimo]

Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia ' - POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious land.' -POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

[Donny Boy]

Yeah......I heard the same gag last year but it was a Victorian, a NSW'er and a QLD'er.
After the NSW gut was done whinging about State of Origin etc, It was the Qld'er that said " Fill it up! "

[Donny Boy]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

[Chimo]

Take special notice of the moral of the story - so true!!!

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to AltonTowers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!


What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....

[sparkyice]

Nortdakota cow

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about a nice one for sale over in Nortdakota (that would be 'North
Dakota' for the non-Scandinavians out there).

He drives to Nortdakota, finds the farm and takes a look at the cow. Then
he reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and
pulls ..... the cow farts.

Ole pauses, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under
the cow to try again. He grabs another teat and pulls ... and the cow
farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after a brief negotiation with the cow's
current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and
says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull
her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nortdakota,
didn't yah?"
Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip and replies,
"Yah, dat's right, but how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Nortdakota."

[groverwa]

A Woman's Week at the Gym
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband gave me a week of personal
training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape
since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god -- with blond hair,
dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early
in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo
put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Christo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late -- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He
took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny girl to find me. Then,
as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that jerk Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of
my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with
it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice
made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a hysterectomy. I still say, if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Chimo]

Possibly G minus?

The Meaty Bites Diet
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my d!ck and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b!tch...why else would I buy dog food??

[akman1]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking
> her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
>
> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
> discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
>
> rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
> The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh## now!' Noticing some
> bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
> bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about
> to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious
> leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'
>
> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
> of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!',
> says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
>
> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
> tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
> protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
> heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
> must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
> beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
> The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here,
> monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
> canine!'
>
> Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
> and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the
> dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
> them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
> says:
>
> 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
> another leopard!'
>
> Moral of this story....
>
>
> Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome
> youth and skill! Bullsh## and brilliance only come with age and
> experience.
>
> I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more
> youthfully challenged.

[groverwa]

The difference between Bullsh!t and Cowsh!t

To tell the difference between the above mentioned items you must throw one up into the air and if it comes back down then it is Cowsh!t but if it does not come back down then it is definitely Bullsh!t