Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[GutterGuide]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'

[TimiBoy]

I checked them, most are legitimate.


No one realises they should take on more time researching, before
forming website addresses.


All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend
quite enough time considering how their online names
might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourselves!


1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of
the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site
is
www.whorepresents.com



2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where
programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com


3 Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net



4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com



5. There's the Italian Power Generating company,
www.powergenitalia.com



6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in
New South Wales ,

www.molestationnursery.com



7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's
always

www.ipanywhere.com



8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
www.cummingfirst.com



9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their
wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com

[snagking]

Thats hilarious, I love those websites timboy

[Scott nthQld]

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?


A: A bad golfer goes `Whack, Dang!' A bad skydiver goes `Dang! Whack'.

[Donny Boy]

On an Ocean Cruise the Main Entertainment act was a Magician.

The support act was all about smart animals, and whenever the Magician performed, a Parrot just off stage would yell out " It's up his Sleeve !!" or "It's down his Pants !!" or "She stepped out thru a false door !!"

Killed the act EVERY NIGHT !!!!

One night, during the Act, the Ships' Boilers Blew..............Ka-Boom !

.....and the Magician found himself on a plank of wood, with only the Parrot for company.......for four days.

Parrot didn't say a bloody thing all that time, but as they were being rescued, the Parrot says

................." OK, You've got me !!! What the hell did you do with the Ship ???"

[Chimo]

Its not that funny really, more sad but anyhooo.........

THIS WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia '
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

[Chimo]

Rural Australian Computer Terminology
(A bit of Aussie culcha)

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

[Chimo]

Quote of the day from Judge Judy;

Judge Judy to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped? '

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced..'

[Chimo]

And from the Doctors

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .

Dr. wouldn't submit his name!

[BGG]

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:-

Artery........................ The study of paintings.

Bacteria...................... Back door to cafeteria.


Barium....................... What doctors do when patients die.


Benign....................... ..What you be, after you be eight.


Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome .


Catscan....................... Searching for Kitty.


Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her.


Colic......................... A sheep dog.


Coma.......................... A punctuation mark.


Dilate........................ To live long.


Enema......................... Not a friend.


Fester........................ Quicker than someone else.


Fibula...................... A small lie.


Impotent..................... Distinguished, well known.


Labour Pain..................Getting hurt at work.


Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.


Morbid........................ A higher offer.


Nitrates...................... Cheaper than day rates.


Node.......................... I knew it.


Outpatient.................... A person who has fainted.


Pelvis........................ Second cousin to Elvis.


Post Operative................. A letter carrier.


Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.


Rectum........................ Nearly killed him.


Secretion..................... Hiding something.


Seizure..........................Roman emperor.


Tablet........................... A small table.


Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.


Tumour...........................One plus one more.


Urine............................. Opposite of you're out.


2xCondoms......................To be sure, to be sure

[Chimo]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked: 'Do you know what your a%^hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied 'Probably drinking beer with his mates.'

It took 15 minutes to restore order in the classroom...

[moorie86]

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young]sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.

He took pity on her and said 'Look, you have so much to live for]I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my shipI'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.
[Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'The girl nodded yes. 'After all, what do I have to lose?'Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning]That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboatFrom then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawnThree weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain ..'What are you doing here?' the captain asked, I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away'she explained 'I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me.'''He certainly is,' the captain said. 'This is the Manly Ferry.

[BGG]

Once upon a time, a beautiful young antelope was going to the party of the year. Excited, she put on a fancy new outfit, make-up, great shoes, perfume, the works. Suddenly, she was stampeded by a herd of buffalo, turning her into a self-dressed stamped antelope.

[Chimo]

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider This . . .
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better?

[Chimo]

Only an Aussie man can make you feel like a woman -

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'
she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of
the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'