Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Dug]

Love it great shot looks like my Psycho bimbo bitch dog from hell

Luckily she just has a serious food scrap habit!

[wacco_fozzy]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist that she needs
some cyanide.

The pharmacist was startled at the request. "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?" he asked.

The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license and they'll throw us both in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen! Absolutely not! You can not have any cyanide!

So the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a private detective's
photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the photo very carefully and in a lowered voice
replied, "Oh. Why didn't you say you had a prescription?"

[wacco_fozzy]

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and suddenly saw there was a tree right in front of me! I swerved to the left and wouldn't you know it, there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was still another one, again right in front of me!"

Not smelling any telltale signs on her breath, the officer put another aspect of his training to work. He reached past her blonde head to her rear-view mirror and pulled off the item hanging from it. "Ma'am," he says patiently, "that was your air freshener."

[wacco_fozzy]

A man is walking home one night when he spots a woman in the shadows.

"Quick fun just $20" she whispers seductively as he gets to her. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell? It's been awhile, he's running early, and it's only $20.

So he steps into the bushes with her and very soon, they're going at it. Suddenly a light flashes on them -- it's a cop. "What's going on here?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face."

[Rowdy_2002]

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.

The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom.

He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.

"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey,"
replied the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?", said the duck.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in andout of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!", said the duck in reply. So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had.

[vortfu]

I knew this girl who had a mental breakdown because she was diagnosed with leprosy. She completely fell apart.

[Dug]

Yuck and double Yuck. those last 2 were real bad




(Q) If single apes sleep in Apricots what do married apes sleep in?



(A) Pairs!

[hotsy]

There were two blondes (of course) females putting up timber siding on a house. One had the nail bag and hammer and the second was holding the boards for nailing. Blonde 1 (B1) with the nail bag would pull a nail out of the bag, look at it and then either use it or throw it away. Blonde 2 (B2) said to B1 "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" B1 replied, "I check the nails when I pull them out of the bag and when I find one that been made backwards with the head on the wrong end I throw it away as it is no good!" B2 tells her firend, "You are very foolish, there is nothing wrong with those nails, they are for the other side of the house!!" [smiley=2thumbsup.gif] [smiley=2thumbsup.gif] [smiley=builder2.gif]

[zedjack33]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he
told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been
there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

Cheers Zedjack33

[cuda]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."


The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up from her knitting she says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"


She smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"


The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."


"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket," the driver responds.


His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


(Wait for it ..... )







"Only when he's been drinking, officer."

[Wezza]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the
bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats
everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball
and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue
ball he measures everything first!"

[NQCairns]

FIRE FIGHTER

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when
he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet, and the wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter
says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer
and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to
the cat's testicles!

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."

[subzero]

My missus just sent me this pic, cant understand why ??? or what she is implying, any suggestions

[Wezza]

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in
his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take
all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell
your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job,
sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his
job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las
Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to
Caesar's Palace."

He goes to Caesar's Palace.

The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."

He goes to the roulette table.

The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."

He puts all his money on RED 23.

The dealer spins the wheel.

It comes up BLACK 17.

The voice says "Shit!!"

[SCOTTYGC]

A woman goes into Rebel sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's Twenty first Birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Rebel check-out Clerk is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod, fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $199.00.

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50