Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[TimiBoy]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age!

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother angrily . "He's taken her liver out!"


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said " ...morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh1t."


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
I mean really, how could anyone stoop so low?

[Nanny King NQ]

Why dont cannabils eat clowns??

[Nanny King NQ]

Because they taste funny

[Mac1952]

Bankruptcy: How it all started.

I all began in the early sixties, when Pounds & Shillings became Dollars, thereby more than doubling my overdraft at the bank. I was just getting used to this, when they brought in Kilograms in place of Pounds and Ounces, and my f%$#@*& crop was halved overnight.
Then rainfall was changed from Inches to Millimeters, and ever since we havan't had a single bloody inch of rain. And what do they do next? Bring in a thing called Celsius, and the temperature drops by twenty degrees. No f#@$%& wonder my corn wouldn't grow again!!
As if this wasn't enough, they changed land from Acres to Hectares, and the farm I originally inherited was now less than half of it's previous size.
This was when I finally decided to sell up. And believe it or not: Miles got changed to Kilometers.
Now my property is so %&$#@ far out of town, nobody is interested in buying it!!

I'm going on the dole...............

[TimiBoy]

The Top 10 Ways to Tell if You Might Be a Member of the Taliban:

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look big?'
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

[The-easyrider]

Three kids fishing....


Kevin Rudd was out jogging one morning along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House
in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below. Before the
Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Movie World in QLD' Kevin said, 'No problem, I'll
take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo 'SHARK' bathers.' Kevin said, 'I'll
get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!'

[wags on the water]

Be Careful - A ' heads up ' for those men who may be regular Bunnings

customers.





Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out Shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don' t be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.



Here's how the scam works:



Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a Rag and Windex, with their boobs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they Say ' No ' and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings store. You agree and they get in the back-seat.



On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the

front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your

wallet.



I have had my wallet stolen on June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,

20th, 24th and 29th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, three times

last Saturday and very likely again this weekend.



So tell your friends to be careful.



P.S. Coles has wallets on sale for $4.95

[Alan Hawk]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After
fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel
tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it
again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions.



This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s*** on its head

[Nanny King NQ]

Why are pirates pirates?
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Because they Arrrrrrr!

[dnej]

Fisherman Dies, after naming boat, after his wife.

[Breambuster33]

Why are pirates pirates?
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Because they Arrrrrrr!

Do they get any cornier ) lol

[STUIE63]

MP
A woman comes into a barber shop with her son for his haircut, but when she tries to pay the bill, the barber replies 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The woman is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
A cop comes in for a haircut, but when he tries to pay his bill, the barber replies 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a university lecturer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The lecturer is very happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

[snasman]

An AFP officer stops at a farm in Queensland and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The AFP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister! I have the authority of The Federal Government with me!' Reaching into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the AFP officer running for his life and close behind is the farmers bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified. The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....






'Your Badge! Show Him Your Badge!!!

[rando]

An 84 year old classical violinist, meets a beautiful 22 year old music student.
Their shared interest leads them to spend increasing amounts of time together.
His vast musical & life experience, his elegance,manners , and gentle demeanor, cause her to become smitten by him.
He in turn finds her youth beauty and Joie de vive, enchanting .
They marry.
He promises her the most romantic honeymoon imaginable:
Sailing a dhow down the Nile to Abu Simbal.
An African Safari by Hot air balloon to watch the migrating herds.
A sking trip to Saint Moritz
with his good friend the Olympic Slalom champion as her guide and instuctor.

Taking a tramp Steamer up the Amazon.

The Captain of the steamer( a veritable rogue) sees the beautiful young thing with the old gentleman and decides he might cockold the old fellow.

The Captain invites them to his table for dinner, and plys the old fellow with brandy and by dinners end the musician is well oiled.
After dinner he produces some cigars and offers the musician an after dinner smoke, which is accept .
The young lady absents herself being a non smoker.

The Captain sets the old bloke up

He says to the old fellow
"I can't help but notice the age difference between you and your wife. Are you not concerned that some unscrupulous type would try to steal so beautiful a woman at one of your concerts
The old bloke says

"Not at all" my wife is the very epitome of virtue and loyalty.

Ahh but women,they are all the same are all the same ..... says the captain
and regales him with tales of being cheated and bewitched and broken hearted.

Again the musician defends his wife, OH No That is not in my wifes nature!!!.

Ill bet you she can be seduced, they all can, says the captian . In fact ILL bet you my ship againt your stadivarius . I myself can persuade her to be unfaithful tonight.

The musician thinks his delightful refined young bride could never be attracted to this Sailor who has been in every squalid bar in every nasty port in every ocean in the world. Plus he is tanked to the eyeballs on brandy.

ITs A Bet he says.

In a flash The Captain is gone from the saloon.

The musician now realises what he has done , but being a gentleman wont welsh the bet.

So he hurries to their cabin ,and finds the door locked.
He can not hear anything from inside because of the ships noise.
So he puts his mouth near the keyhole and says a little poem of encouragement

BE TRUE MY LOVE
BE TRUE MY LOVE
BE TRUE FOR JUST ONE HOUR
JUST CROSS YOUR LEGS, YOUR HUSBAND BEGS
AND THEN THIS SHIP IS OURS....




From in the cabin She replies:


TOO LATE MY LOVE
TO LATE MY LOVE
HE HAS GRASPED ME BY MY MIDDLE
HE'S LOCKED THE DOOR
WE'RE ON THE FLOOR........


OOOOHHHHH!!!!! OOOOHHHH!!!!

THERE GOES YOUR FIDDLE!!!

[Chimo]

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge .


She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.



He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for.I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes & thought, "After all, what do I have to lose?"

Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"

She explained "I get food and free passage to Europe , and he's screwing me."

''He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry. "




Don't miss the Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"?

"Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."