Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[mini696]

Bad taste McCartney jokes............

It's a very sad world we live in when
Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg...
Personally, I think it's prosthetic!


News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney.
Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!
She said in an earlier briefing, I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped?
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, she will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this?

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it is believed that she wont have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause.
She's terrible a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless?"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new Prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.
The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.
Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas, she says shell buy her own Immac for the other leg!

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney -
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river
A Miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate I'm ****ed, who will want a one legged gold digger? His mate says try Paul McCartney
Q: What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A: The McCartneys
These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please.
Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can fill her shoe.

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again...
In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heat

[Chimo]

With Stralia day so close its important to be up to date with ..........

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the
tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[jimbamb]

Thanks for the advise chimo
All taken on board!!!especially the last one!!!
Jim

[Chimo]

Good boy! Best way to keep Sat Nites happening!
C

[sandman55]

Thanks for the advise chimo
All taken on board!!!especially the last one!!!
Jim

What do we send them down the road for the petrol after they get the beer?

[sandman55]

The Little Girls Story

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing." My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy, and she watches him drink it.

Then my mom says to my dad, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[sparkyice]

there was two bulls up on the side hill, knee deep in new clover on a warm spring day, looking down at the heifers in the pasture below them.

"well, pappy", says the youg bull," i thinks i'll run on down to that pasture and get to know me one of them there cute little darlin's. if'n you wasn't too dang old, i'd ask you to join me, old man!!"

"junior," says the old bull," i guess my days of runnin after the girls are over. you just trot on down there, and meet your little lady"

"what! you are gettin old! you gots two hooves in the grave already! i feel sorry for ya, ya old geezer! you sure you don't wanna run on down there with me an get to know one of them girls?"

"nah," says the old boy," you run on down and get to know one, an i'll walk on down and get to know 'em all."

[Chimo]

Further to post 2132 addition information has now come to light.

You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers
stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for
something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often
and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs'
refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways
with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly
despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as
big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy
Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up,
at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any
rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the
Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not
spelt with a 'u'

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway
fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway
polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach
cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call
'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally
strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to
offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem
and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the
government's new test for migrants.

You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and
overseas, realising that only they will understand!!





Thankyou

C

[Chimo]

TGIF, Off to the pub are we?

Tequila can do it for you too

[Chimo]

Romance

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .



Wait for it. .




It's coming. .




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?




She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[madman1]

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar..

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.' So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers. Rack off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'

[DAVE_S]

The Lie Clocks -


A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone onEarth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands onyour clock move.'

Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe toldonly two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Kevin Rudd's clock?' asked the man.

It's in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

[coucho]

Old Guys Don't Care
As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the
medical establishment. For example, my doctor
referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said,
'Because I'm trying to examine you..."

[coucho]

A Liney ('Linesman' Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Liney ('Linesman' Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a liney the Royalty of all Trades??"
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The Liney ('Linesman' Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

[coucho]

The teacher was telling the young kids about the birds and the bees and
she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the "stork" usually
brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the
teacher,
" Are you sure about the "stork", miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up"
'Cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a "shag" on the beach.!!!