Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Donny Boy]

Q:

How many women with PMT does it take to change a light

bulb?

Woman'sAnswer:

One!

ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this
f…n house knows HOW
to change a f….n light bulb! They don't even know that the
f….n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE
fu..'n DAYS before they figured it out.

And,
once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned
light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past
17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God,

actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the
fu..'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb
would

STILL BE IN THE SAME fu..'n SPOT!!!!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!
BECAUSE NO F…ER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES

OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED

FROM THE FU..'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT

ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE
FU..'NHOUSE!!
IT WOULD
TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO
CHANGES
THE
FU..'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm
sorry.

What was the question?

[sandman55]

Lets clear the air with music

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.
So every time you fart, you time it with the music. You're beginning to feel pretty smug about your cleverness!

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus...Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize ..........

You're listening to your IPod!

[sandman55]

This is an oldie but a goody

[Chimo]

[

Good Health Tips

Q: Doctor,I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the lifeof your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A:Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had aboutfood and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming

'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Chimo]

How many zeros in a billion???

This is too true to be funny...

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think aboutwhether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.


A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government
is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans ....
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number...
what does it mean?

A
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.


C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.


Imagine, now $700 billion bailing out banks in the US . That's enough to fund complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive in the US for 11 years!!

50 billion to bail out the auto industry??? Washington , D.C. & Ottawa ON .
< HELLO!!! >

Are all your calculators broken??


Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax , Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property y Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax upon Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Income Tax
Everything Tax


STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY???

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago... and our nation (US) was the most prosperous in the world.


We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world.. and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.


What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'


And in the USA I still have to press '1' for English.


I hope this goes aroundthe US & CANADA or AUSTRALIA at least 1 billion times

[Chimo]

Two Little Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over andSaid, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked(as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as "Best Dried Arrangement".

[slyman]

now that obama is president, the only thing I am going to miss about bush is the comedy gold segment on Letterman, Great Moments In Presidential Speeches...

[charleville]

MAN'S RULES


• Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

• Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

• James Cook did not need directions and neither do we.

• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cricket, the latest location of the spotties, or monster trucks.

• You have enough clothes.

• You have too many shoes.

• I am in shape. Round is a shape.

• Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.



.

[Wahoo]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.



One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:... cost - $29.99
Clinton :...cost - $29.99


Titanic:.... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... ... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :.... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:.... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :...... Ditto for Monica..

Titanic:.... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :.... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :.... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:.... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :.... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

[sparkyice]

SHOE TOSS GAME!!!!

http://www.aksalser.com/game.htm

[Chimo]

This has potential!

[Chimo]

Pt 2 Need to be careful about staying too long tho.

[Chimo]

Every once in a while something turns up that really clears things up.
This may be one of those!

Whether Liberal or Labour this makes too much sense!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

[charleville]

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.




.

[Dantren]

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...