Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Dug]

If you weigh #a whale at #a whaleway station where would you weigh a pie?

Answer; somewhere over a rainbow.










You know the Judy Garland song from The Wizard of Oz
"Somewhere over a rainbow, weigh a pie"

[MY-TopEnder]

Whats the best form of contraception??




a wedding ring.

[Dug]

Whats the best form of contraception??


Telling really bad jokes always worked for me

[dasher]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's arse, and then a
£10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
Another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

Wait for it............) (scroll down page .)



























"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

[dasher]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again"

[NQCairns]

: Alligator Shoes
>> >
>> >
>> >>A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted
>> a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
>> reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
>> >>
>> >> After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one
>> of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and
>> catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
>> >>
>> >> The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck
>> out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and
>> headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
>> >>
>> >> Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted
>> the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just
>> >> then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She
>> >> took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled
>> it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead
>> >> creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde
>> >> flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn
>> it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Dirty_Mole]

What Your Doctor Really Means...

What the Doctor Really Means When He Says...

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.


"Welllllll, what have we here..."

Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.


"We'll see."

First I have to check my malpractice insurance.


"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.


"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.


"How are we today?"

I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like crap.


"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what the heck it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.


"Everything seems to be normal."

I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.


"I'd like to run some more tests."

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one

cheers sam,

[philip_thomson]

Q what did the monster say when the scientist cloned him?
A nothing, he was beside himself

Q what did one wall say to the other wall?
A ill meet you at the corner

Q what did 1 broom say to the other
A time to go sweep ???

[philip_thomson]

one night a man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang.
he went out and answered the door, a police man asked him if he put in a missing persons thingyo about his aunt. the man said that yes he had.

the officer said of i have some bad news, some terrible news, some good news and some great news.

the man asked well give it to me in that order.

the officer said.

the bad news is, we found your aunt. the man askes "well whats the terrible news"?

the terrible news is, that she was on the bottom of the river with cement blocks tied to her limbs. the man askes "well that is terrible but whats the good news"?

the good news is, that when we pulled her out she had 7 big mud crabs attached to her the man askes "well that is good whats the great news"?

the officer said well the great news is we are pulling her out again tommorow

[Dug]

One of the staff left the shop today so I was reminded of the story of the slave galley plying the Aegean sea, many centuries ago.

A new comer is chained next to an old man on a slave galley.

The old man grasps his chest moans and drops dead over the oar.

The young newcomer timidly says " excuse me Mr Slave Master but I think this man is dead"

The slave master come down and checks "Yes He's dead" he roars and heaves the body over the side.

With that done he takes his whip and begins beating every slave in the boat, when he is finished all the slaves lie on their backs and urinate into the air, then every one resumes rowing.

The newcomer is stunned and shocked by the behavior but after a while get the courage to ask one of the older slaves "What just happened?"

The older slave replied "Oh, it's a tradition we have here, when ever anyone leaves the boat we have a whip round and a piss up!"

[Dug]

what did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?








DAM!

[philip_thomson]

roflmao [smiley=2thumbsup.gif] at the fish one

[NQCairns]

A friend of mine is looking for a good home for a puppy she found in a
park in West Footscray. It's likely that this dog has had a troubled
past, but it's a good dog. A photo is attached. Let me know if you think

anyone would be interested.

[NQCairns]

Good looks catch the eye, but a good personality catches the heart;
you are blessed with both."













Don't be flattered,
this message was sent to me.
I just wanted you to read it...

[NQCairns]

Instructions on how to clean your toilet



1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.



2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.



4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".



6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,



The Dog