The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks now.
They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me.
The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks now.
They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me.
Once upon a time...
Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together. Shrek said, “I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?” Angelina Jolie agreed. “I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.” Brad Pitt said, “I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.”
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall” to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina was the most gorgeous and Brad was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. “Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.”
Angelina Jolie perked up and said, “And I know for sure that I'm the sexiest woman alive.”
But Brad Pitt lifted his sad, gorgeous face and said...
“Who the hell is Aussiefool ????”
One for all the teachers and fellow ex-teachers out there.......
Little Johnny strikes again....
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried
What could go wrong.......................
No wonder we have a few issues dealing with the fairer sex when they circulate stuff like this...........
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: These days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like ....Laxatives.... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. BananasThe older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like WeatherNothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .....BlendersYou need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate BarsSweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials......... You can't believe a word they say.
7.. Men are like Department StoresTheir clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .......Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....MascaraThey usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn.. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like SnowstormsYou never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava LampsFun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking SpotsAll the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
What could go wrong.......................
NZ Earthquake
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.
Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.
The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......
What could go wrong.......................
better with sound.......
This is really funny. Will get you in the Christmas mood, too.The perfect man and woman! CLICK HERE
What could go wrong.......................
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
What could go wrong.......................
This is worrying!
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, QUT University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. And this is before either of the stupid cows adds recycled water to the dams!
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women ..
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
Period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
All the men you know and care about have to be warned so tell them about drinking too much beer!
What could go wrong.......................
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughter s
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. S chwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can' t allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity..'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believ e,' he said to his wife
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied...
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work
IMPORTANT NOTICE FOR BOOSTING THE ECONOMY
The federal government is sending many of us a $600 to $1,400 rebate.
If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and
Guatemala,
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan or Germany.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help
the Australian economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitutes, wine and beer, since these are the only products still
produced in Australia.
Thank you for your help.
for a minute there i thought you said america...Originally Posted by Scott nthQld
i had to read it twice!!
small world, eh?
Their were three mice at the bar, the first mice says, i am the bravest mice off all, oh, the others reply.
I sneak down to the rat traps, grab the bar, and do twenty five bench presses and then eat the cheese.
Yer, said the 2nd mice, i sneak around the rat sacks and have a good sniff and get on a high.
The 3rd mice , enough for me, got off the bar stool,and headed for the door.
Hey were you going Jerry?.
I am going home to kiss the cat
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'
Life in the Aussie Army
>>
>> Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to
>> Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town,
>> west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
>>
>>
>> Dear Mum & Dad,
>>
>> I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big
>> brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm -
>> tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I
>> wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get
>> outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do
>> before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No
>> bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya
>> haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water
>> and even a light to see what ya doing!
>>
>> At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but
>> there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't
>> get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered
>> because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking
>> to the windmill in the back paddock!!
>>
>> This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil
>> with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The
>> bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's
>> not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull
>> got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is
>> make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You
>> don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya
>> don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting
>> truck when you reload!
>>
>> Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys
>> and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting
>> with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once
>> like we do at home after the muster.
>> Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it
>> looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by
>> this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three
>> pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and
>> eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried
>> me off to the boozer.
>>
>> I can't complain about the Army - tell the
>> boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
>>
>> Your loving daughter,
>>
>> Sheila
What could go wrong.......................
Illegal Drag Racing
A friend who works for the Police Department
Received the attached photo of a drag race that went bad.
It's kind of hard to look at, but it serves as a reminder
of what can happen when drag races occur.
Keep drag racing off the streets …….
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