Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sandman55]

Ahmed the terrorist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouDRDzqTu0M

[baitwaster]

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.[He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"[As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.” Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[ttone]

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!!

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be 'unacceptable
fire' and was obligated to pay the claim!
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in Jail
and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

ONLY IN AMERICA!

[Chimo]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch..................

Beware fellow Ausfishers, of what you wish for .....

[Chimo]

Let him dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!

[Chimo]

The Priest, the Preacher & the Rabbi


A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Miramichi Valley High School

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together at the Miramichi Hospital to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first Communion and Confirmation.

The Preacher spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle that there holy water! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The Priest and the Preacher both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs, and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape
The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

[Chimo]

Bob and a Blonde



Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money...

[Xahn1960]

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was

admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him

into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while

she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister

Noticed a cute glass

bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

With water, and in the water

Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater,

but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through

The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package On the ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent

the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All

winter.'

[Chimo]

"ALL PUNS INTENDED "

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
;
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[sandman55]

"Satan's Visit"

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in
the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went
to the local church. Before the service started, the
townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking
about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of
the congregation. Everyone started screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other
in a frantic effort to get away from evil-incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church
except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the
man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister
for over 48 years."

[harry_h01]

Subject: Holiday Carols for the Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle .....

[Chimo]

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[Chimo]

50 Years Ago




The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'







Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'










OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'










Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'










A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.










The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking stick. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.










The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.










After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.










So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'










Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[sandman55]

Seeing as it's now turned December, it's time to get the Christmas cake prepared, it's a major job out of the way and the cake is better for 'maturing' a while....


Tequila Christmas Cake

1 cup water
1 tsp.. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp.. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila - Sample the tequila to check quality. (I already sampled it.....several times to check the quality)
2 cups dried fruit


Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point its best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.

Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

[Chimo]

For all of you who send and receive the odd thing via email and post even odder things here I thought it would be appropriate to share this with you, so ...



Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit inthe glue on envelopes,because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to diein the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their specialemail programs. Or from thesenior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.



HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A "MERRY CHRISTMAS & GREAT NEW YEAR"