Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[coucho]

In Arnhem land Aboriginal tribes look to their elders to determine if it is going to be a harsh cold winter or a mild one and thus if there is a need to gather a lot of fire wood or not.
last autum the tribal elder died leaving Murengaba the new oldest man in the village. Now the elders had never taught Murengaba how to determine if it was to be a cold winter or not but the rest of the village was looking to Murengaba to determine if they should start gathering fire wood early or not this year. Not wanting to admit he didn't know and wanting to cover his butt, Murengaba said yes it will be a cold winter and they should begin to gather some wood.
After a week of wood gathering the tribe again asked Murengaba if this was enough wood? Murengaba had a great idea, he rang the Bureau of Meterology in the NT and asked them if it would be cold winter this year the BOM said indeed it did look like being quiet a cold winter. So Murengaba returned to the tribe and said no thiis is not enough wood it looks like being quiet a cold winter this year gather more wood.
So after another week of gathering wood, again the tribe went to Murengaba and he said I will have to consult with the "spirts" and snuck off and phoned the BOM. The officials at the BoM said it looks like being the coldest winter for a few year! So Murengaba returned to his tribe and said gather more wood it looks like being a very cold winter this year so his tribe gathered more wood.
Another week of wood gathering goes by and again the tribe comes to Murengaba and off Murengaba goes to speak with the "spirits" at the BOM. this time the man at the BOM say its shapeing up to be the coldest winter we have on record!!! Core think Murengaba so he askes the guy at the BOM 'how can you be so sure that this will be such a harsh winter'
'well the local aboriginals have been gathering fire wood like crazy and thats always a sure sign ' come the reply

[Xahn1960]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania, and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car, and hisses at them through the windshield.
'Quick, quick!', shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'
'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination',
says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
'What shall I do now?', she shouts.
'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at
the Vatican', says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin,
but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
'Now what?', shouts Sister Catherine.
'Show him your cross', says Sister Helen.
'Now you're talking', says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the f#@k off the car!'

[choppa]

slyman needs one of these for his joke above,,,,

[slyman]

slyman needs one of these for his joke above,,,,

very good! cheers!

[slyman]

[Chimo]

Nursing Home Sex



Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.


She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

[Chimo]

The 11th Husband




A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to
position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ........... God, how I miss him."

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You’re with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."


Apols to K07 but if the cap fits .................

[FNQCairns]

6 Truths of Life




1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.








































...............

[FNQCairns]

2. After reading the first truth, all idiots will try it.






3. And discover that the first Truth is a lie.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.










5. You'll soon forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize for this but I'm an idiot
and need company ...

[FNQCairns]

I hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment..
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,


The Response
Dear:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you should.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

[Chimo]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a
little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.

Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son.'
He answered, 'That's okay.'

'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum'
as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her
way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, Mum'
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

'That comes to $121.85,' said the clerk.
'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..'
The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too.'

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[Chimo]

Vacation near Transylvania


Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! ...


The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"



(I am soooooo sorry..... but you really should've seen that coming)

[Chimo]

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR




If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: ' Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the r room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it ne cessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

[Mac1952]

Aussie Bob is holidaying in Ireland. Having been drinking in a Belfast pub for a little bit too late one night, he misses the last bus to his hotel.
As all remaining taxi drivers are safely at home by this hour, he has no option but to walk.

Halfway down a quiet street, a gun barrel is shoved into his back and a voice hisses in his ear: "Protestant or Catholic?!"

Knowing that a wrong answer will mean instant death, Bob thinks hard and fast, and answers: "I'm Jewish, I'm Jewish !"

Upon which the voice replies:

I MUST BE THE LUCKIEST ARAB IN THE WHOLE OF IRELAND !!!!!!

[Chimo]

The Dead Cow and Vet School

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'