Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

THE DECISION
>>
>> A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
>>
>> The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
>> Now,
>> you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
>> You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.....
>> Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
>> your
>> willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
>>
>> The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
>> compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you
>> a
>> new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
>> But
>> the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
>>
>> The man perks up at this.
>>
>> "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
>> But
>> it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a
>> five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might
>> be a
>> bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only
>> to
>> invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's
>> important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
>>
>> The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
>> day.
>>
>> "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
>>
>> "I have," says the man.
>>
>> "And has she helped you in making the decision?"
>>
>> "She has," says the man.
>>
>> "And what is it?" asks the doctor.
>>
>> "We're getting a new kitchen."

[coucho]

An Asian woman goes in to her local National Australia Bank Branch and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....'fluctuations'.

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, 'fluck you Aussies too'

[harry_h01]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a
Little PR. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. 'Stanley,' responds the little boy.
'And what is your question, Stanley?'
'I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all
Americans don't have health insurance?


Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, 'OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?'
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
'Little Johnnie' he responds.
'And what is your question, Little Johnnie?'
'Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? !
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
>Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
>And Sixth, what the f--k happened to Stanley?'

[Outsider1]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he
had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she
became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!.

[Donny Boy]

A guy walks into a Bank to apply for a loan, but the Manager says
" Very Sorry, but the Loan Arranger isn't here today..."
So the guy says " Well, who can I talk to .......?"
The Manager says " Tonto ! "

[Donny Boy]

Roy Rogers is riding across the Plains when he sees the Cavalry..

" Howdy Cavalry ! " says Roy.
" How yer goin Roy, mate ! " says the bloke at the front ( on holiday from OZ )

" Got some bad news for ya Roy, .....You know your Ranch ??
It's the Apaches, mate........burnt it......burnt it to the ground...it's gone ! "

Roy says, " Oh my God, get outa my way! "

Bloke says, " Hang on mate, Hang on....there's a bit more..................."
" They killed all your Cattle...........the lot...........Arras..............
Arras thru the head mate,..........They're all dead !! "

Roy says, " Oh my god, get the hell outa my way !!!"

The Guy says " Hold on Pal, there's a bit more..........................

" They raped your wife..............beat her...tortured her....
.....then they staked her out in the Desert to die in the Sun like an animal! "

Roy pulls his Guns............... & in tears now, he screams........

" My God, O my God, get outa my goddam way !!!

And again, the Bloke says " Hang on Roy............................! "

" Are ya gunna sing us a song before ya go ????????

[Donny Boy]

I'm enjoying this new job I've got.............

Beats the old one hands down..............

Used to be an AA man at the Whitsunday Resorts..............



Lookin' in all the windows sayin " A...A...you can't do that here !!

[coucho]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.


"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra".
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how thing went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Gloria Jeans again!"

[coucho]

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home
on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.

[coucho]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for
> some rectum deodorant.
>
> The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
> that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
>
> Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has
> been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis
> and would like some more.
>
> "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We
> don't have any."
>
> "But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
>
> "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks
> the pharmacist.
>
> "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home
> and get it."
>
> She returns with the container and hands it to the
> pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is
>
just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
>
> Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads
> out loud from the container ...
>
> "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[coucho]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
Husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
Town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
Different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
Could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
Know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
Interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she
Was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at
The Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...

I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and
Took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
Blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,
Dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, D!ckh%@d? Drink your f***ing beer in your
Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it sweetie
Pie ?????
........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story!

[coucho]

> Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
> > married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
> >
> > The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their
> > s3x lives.
> >
> > After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging
> > in some S&M role playing.
> >
> > The following week they met up again to compare notes.
> > Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
> > the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
> > leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it
> > and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto
> > heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk
> > right then and there!'
> >
> > The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When
> > my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black
> > mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned
> > on that we not only scr3w3d all night, he wants to move up our wedding
> > date!
> >
> > The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
> > planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
> > I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I
> > slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black
> > stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.
> > When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote,
> > sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

[sandman55]

A couple had been looking at new cars for months. He wanted a simple truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zoom through traffic and look like a princess. He would have settled for almost any old truck, but everything she wanted was way out of price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 220 in 5 seconds or less. Christmas is coming up and you should surprise me with something really really great this year!"

Soon christmas morning arrived and she un-wrapped her brand new bathroom scale.

[Chimo]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the
door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here, on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[sandman55]

Explanation of Medical Terms.

Benign................What you be after you be eight.

Artery................The study of paintings.

Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.

Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.

Colic.................A sheep dog.

Coma..................A punctuation mark.

D & C.................Where Washington is.

Dilate................To live long.

Enema.................Not a friend.

Fester................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula................A small lie.

Genital...............Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.

Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................Was aware of

Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.

Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum................Darn near killed him.

Secretion.............Hiding something.

Seizure...............Roman emperor.

Tablet................A small table.

Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor.................More than one.

Urine.................Opposite of you're out.

Varicose..............Near by/close by.

Vein..................Conceited.