Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

My local pub is best


'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister.'

[mowerman]

A HEALTH WARNING FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live! Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of
clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS : -
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!


Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Pinot Noir!

[Chimo]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the littl e girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'





'Because you got an F in sex.'

[Xahn1960]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter
met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new
arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T' '?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer
to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy
boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...

[STUIE63]

An Actual 1955 Housekeeping Monthly article.

[Chimo]

In the sprit of yesterday

[Xahn1960]

> Amy, a blonde city girl, married a Essex farmer.
>
> One morning on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
>
> The farmer leaves for the fields.
>
> After a while, the artificial insemination man from Norfolk arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
>
> The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cos I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
>
> 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
>
> Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
>
> The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
>
>
> ( It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

[Xahn1960]

Late last
Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.


It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most


Of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only


Broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a


Dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...





BUMP........














BUMP........














BUMP........















Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain


He saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.















BUMP........














BUMP........












BUMP........













He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box


Approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more


Clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put

His head down and started walking briskly home.












BUMP........














BUMP........































BUMP........
























The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........

























BUMP.... BUMP.......

























BUMP........BUMP.......




















BUMP........BUMP........
















The coffin was
closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he

Heard the coffin speed up after him ...









BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...











BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...










BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...






He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......





BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....







BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....












BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....








Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was


Only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his


Keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,


Slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and


Slumped into his comfy chair.








Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through

The front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin

allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued


Its chase ..











BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...











BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

Take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...









BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...







BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...







BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...









The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and


Launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the

Bathroom door flew off its hinges ..







The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young

Terrified lad.







BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...






BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...







BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...







In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom

Cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at

The coffin ... still it came ........







BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...







He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it

Came......



BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...






He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......







BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...







He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ...



















The coffin stopped.

[Xahn1960]

I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring. Unfortunately, with the increase in gas prices and prices in general as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart Greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......

[coucho]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal;
his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.?

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between
Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.?

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan,
you don't suppose she took it do you??

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.



So he sat down and wrote



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PETER



Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED,
SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.?

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER[/FONT][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']!!![/FONT]

[sandman55]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. When the wife returned there was a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Xahn1960]

<DIV>
ALL GRANDPARENTS, HEED THIS WARNING !!



Do NOT lose your grand kids in the mall !!



A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.



He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'



The cop asked, 'What's he like?'



The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied...

'Bundaberg rum and women with big boobs.'

[ffejsmada]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and
the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.


Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and
asked the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think your
getting your birds mixed up.

The teacher said, "It has always been a stork that brings the babies Johnny."

"Well Miss, my big sister just got a little baby and she said she got it from a shag at the beach."

[PADDLES]

The Lone
Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The
Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger.

In honor of
The Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you,
I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The
Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief
Nods and
Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the
Horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful
Blonde woman on his
Back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the
Lone Ranger's
Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian
Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but
I will still kill you in two
Days.

What is your second request?'


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought
To
Him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver
Takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the
Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous
Brunette, more
Attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again
Impressed. 'You are
Indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you
Tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,


'I'd like to speak to my horse,.... Alone.'

The Chief is
Curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.


Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks
Him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully


For.... The.... Last....f**king time,

I said.....
'BRING POSSE'

[Chimo]

A man escapes from a prison where he'd been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed,

the convict gets on top ofher,

kisses her neck,

then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife,

'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.

Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lotof time in jail

and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain

do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is obviously very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.

Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds,

'He wasn't kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he's gay,

thinks you're cute,

and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong Darling, I love you, too!!!'