Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[slyman]

A Drover walks into a bar with


A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

[Steve B]

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD WAS SKIPPING ALONG THE FORREST PATH ONE SUNNY DAY WHEN SHE NOTICED THE BIG BAD WOLF CROUCHED BEHIND A FALLEN TREE. " WOLFY WOLFY....WHAT BIG BAD EARS YOU HAVE"

'GRRR' REPLIED THE WOLF AS HE JUMPED UP AND RAN DOWN THE TRACK.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD KEPT SINGING AND SKIPPING ALONG WHEN SHE NOTICED THE WOLF AGAIN HIDING BEHIND A STUMP...'WOLFY WOLFY WHAT BIG BAD EYES YOU HAVE'

'GGGGGRRRRRR' REPLIED THE WOLF AS JUMPED OUT AND RAN FURTHER DOWN THE TRACK.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD SKIPPED MERRILY ALONG THE TRACK WHEN SHE SPIED THE WOLF TUCKED IN BEHIND A BUSH 'WOLFY WOLFY WHAT BIG BAD.................BEFORE SHE COULD FINISH THE WOLF INTERUPTED,

'LISTEN GIRLY WILL YOU BUGGER OFF I AM TRYING TO TAKE A DUMP'

[slyman]

his fishing skills are on par with his ability to run a country...

[Bob H]

a mate of mine answered a knock on the front door ,when he opened the door he was punched in the face by a six foot cockroach,he reported it to the police who said (wait for it ) that apparently there was a bad bug going around..........bob

[Chimo]

Popcorn Chicken

Not sure if this is the right spot for this or not? Maybe recipes?

Here is a delicious Chicken Recipe with Popcorn

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me and you, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Large chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 220c.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven. Listen to the popping sounds.

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And you thought I couldn't cook!!!

Chimo

[sandman55]

A Fishermans Philosophy

A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:

Talk about changing spots
Prepare another rod while one is out
Lay your rod down unsecured
Go for a sandwich
Start to pull the boat anchor
Use the worst fly you own
Crack open your first beer
Crack open your last beer
Take notice of the chick on a passing boat, bank or beach
Watch others fishing
Start reeling in your lines at going home time
Give your fishing rod to a female companion or child to hold
When your landing net is out of reach
When you have cast your line over an obstruction
When you line has drifted into impossible weeds
When you turn to look at the sunrise or sunset
Decide that you need to take a leak

[danryan75]

another one for that list sandman
-get a Birdsnest

[sandman55]

For sure been there and done that

[sandman55]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't...there's a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- ---------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

---------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men?

Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[FNQCairns]

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you

would

have $49 left.



With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.



With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.



But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of

the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling

REFUND, you would have $214 cash.



Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily

and recycle.

[sandman55]

Hazardous Materials Data Sheet "Woman"

[Chimo]

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whisper.

' Hello ? '

'Is your Daddy home?'

' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice.

I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mummy there?'

' Yes, she's out in the garden too '

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the police dog men. '

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the
boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME

[sandman55]

Two old guys are fishing in a boat on the local lake - one says to t'other: "I'm thinking of getting a divorce, my wife and I haven't spoken to each other in the last 6 months"

T'other guy replies "I'd think twice before deciding, women like that are hard to find".....

[charleville]

after being married for 44 years, i took a careful look at my wife oneday and said, 'honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap flat, a cheap car,slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now i have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i'm sleeping with a 65- year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things '

my wife is a very reasonable woman.she told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that i would once again beliving in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

[slyman]

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.