Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[coucho]

Ma and Pa are two hillbillies living out on a farm.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.

He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, 'why don't you go ask the young'n down the road?'
He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate.'

So Pa drives down to the neighbour's house and asks him, 'Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it.'

The young'n tells him, 'Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.

The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.

While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..'

Pa thanks the neighbour, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running! Out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite .... Shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite . Spreading poop all over the farm

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, 'Ma, are you all right??!!'

As she pulls up her bloomers she says! ...

'Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen

[danny412]

An American Indian goes into the store to buy toilet paper, there are many to choose from and he cant make up his mind. He asks a young store kid stocking shelfs whats the best. The kid says Kleenex is good but No-Name is cheaper. Who No name asks the Indian, after trying for a while to explain No Name is the brand name the kid gives up and walks away. The indian decides to buy No Name because its cheap.
A week later the indian comes back into the store and finds the youung store kid stocking shelves again. Ive got a new name for No Name toilet paper he says, whats that asked the young kid, John Wayne says the indian, what the ?? says the young kid, the indian says" Its rough, its tough and takes no shit from indians!

[Chimo]

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia .'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The officer said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Officer, I am ready.'

The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green, green, green

and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow , this is Mujibar.''

Mujibar now works at Telstra.

Perhaps you have spoken to him?

[Chimo]

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

'Polish Remover'

[dreemon]

How do you get an 87 year old granma to say the " F " word ?

have anouther 87 yr old yell out " BINGO "

[Chimo]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Chimo]

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home
when an old Grandpa walked by.


And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said,
'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - -

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

[Chimo]

Todays Choice

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, it would now be worth $56.91.

With Washington Mutual, you would have $120.36 left of the original $1,000

With 'Fannie Mae' (FNM), you would have $11.34 left.

If you had purchased RH Donelley, you would have $45.69 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling refund you would have $214.00.

In the current market, the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[Chimo]

But wait theres more ...............

One Of Those Days

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half
an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a
menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I
didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.
'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison.'

[Chimo]

Which part of your body goes to heaven first?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your Feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night and mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh! God, I'm coming!'
'If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted...

[Trev_ally]

A drover and his kelpie walk into a country pub. The drover says " I'll have a beer for meself and one for me dog, mate".
The barman says "we don't serve dogs in here"
The drover replies "but my dog's special, he is a carpenter, makes things out of wood. If you go to the fireplace and chuck him a mallee root he will make a coffee table for ya".
Barman, chuckling, walks to the firplace picks out a mallee root then says "Well, if your dog makes a coffee table out of this you can both have free grog for the day" and throws the root to the dog.
The kelpie jumps onto the root, chews away furiously for 5 minutes. When the chips and sawdust settle there stands a beautiful coffee table, Queeen Anne legs and all. The dumbfounded barmen starts pouring their free beers.

A swaggy spots the drover and his kelpie so he strides up to the bar with his mongel blue healer in tow and says "I'll have a beer for meself and one for me dog mate".
The barman tells him he doesn't serve dogs.
The swaggy says 'Well yer servin' him and his mutt".
Barman replies yair, but his dog is special, he makes things outa wood, he made that coffee table".
"So what" says the swaggy. "My dog makes things outa metal".
The barman says "sure he does. Look, if he can make anything out of metal you can both have free beer too".
"Fair enough" says the swaggy. "you go over to the fireplace, put the poker into the fire 'til it's red hot then lift me dogs tail and touch him on the bum with the hot end. He will either make a spring for your throat or a bolt for the door".

[Chris Ryan]

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:


First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'


Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'


Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'


They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'


Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:


'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[Chimo]

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers,
'I know dis you firss time and you berry fighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want; I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, hoping to impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

Eventually she shyly whispers back,
'I want to twy someting I have heard about from udda girls.... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want..... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

[FNQCairns]

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world,
but how can I be sure?'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discusstheir findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Angelina Jolie perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the most gorgeous woman alive.'

But Brad Pitt lifted his sad, sexy face and said...............................




















































































Who the hell is FNQCairns??

[Trev_ally]

I was considering giving up being a flasher, but I think I'll stick it out for one more year