Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[goddy100]

Bubba`s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba’s sales pitch.
Bubba stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, “If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are
killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.
“NOW,” Bubba concluded, “which bunch do you think they’re gonna send into battle first?”

[Chimo]

Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

[Chimo]

Hi ! I need a favor

Our neighbour has a puppy he's giving away (FREE). It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the heebie jeebies. I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know. Here's a picture of the dog (see below).

[sparkyice]

Hi ! I need a favor

Our neighbour has a puppy he's giving away (FREE). It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the heebie jeebies. I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know. Here's a picture of the dog (see below).

whoa- kinda gives me the heebie jeebies too...

[sandman55]

If you are on an airplane sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:


1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start it up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips as if praying
6. Then run this screen. Click this
Try guessing the look on the co-traveler's face.

[sparkyice]

"REDNECK MATH CHALLENGE"

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the American South,
and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks
in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '86 Dodge Diplomat
(C) '80 Ford pickup.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to
condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density
of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is
2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.
The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how
many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average
slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children
place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for
their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a
vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it
take a town which has been by passed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't cha?
It's okay if ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a hole
heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare ya for in this
life.

[disorderly]

On Death

Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)

After they get the fax ...

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

What fun it is dealing with "customer service"

[Chimo]

How To Stay Married for 50 Yrs

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda da money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for
your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'ma gonna go and get her."

[Chimo]

The Cattle Dog!!!


Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,

'Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'

'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.

'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza-Bone coats,

some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.

Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'

'Right.' Said Julia.


Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'

'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again

to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog’s tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'


'Strewth no!' said the barman.

'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'

Not sure if this has been posted before if it, has apols.

[Chimo]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large,
silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her

straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.






'Now!. Tell HIM you have a headache.'

[mangrovejacks]

What did the Mangrove Jack say when it swam into a wall?

DAM!!!

[Chimo]

Marriage Humour


Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...?
You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

-------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[Deejay2400]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador') , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!

[Chimo]

Whatya Doing Today?

[coucho]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that enough was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,
get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor,
'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me with my problem.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in
a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between
his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania