Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Poodroo]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo
clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh shit." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Poodroo

[mowerman]

Today's thermodynamics lesson

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
Assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
Proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[drunkenduncan]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English..

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree..

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'.

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, This is a rock...
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.' .

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity..

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'.

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized..and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way.

The chief replied, 'My bike.'.




Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else's bicycle! .
.

[sparkyice]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.

[sparkyice]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me! ."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."

[Chimo]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten up her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'




(You'll love this) -




God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.'

[Chimo]

THE ELEVATOR

A young Saskatewan girl and her father from the far reaches of Saskatchewan were in a big city mall for the first time

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The girl asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the girl and her father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the girl and her father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his daughter.....

'Go get your mother'.

[ThePinkPanther]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his
wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another
parcel and note:


Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*se and go as a toffee apple.

[Chimo]

For you other GOMs and GOWs

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.

I don't see what the problem is.'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEXTired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'

She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their

40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly.'

[the gecko]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon





THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate








THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks I'm married.
2. Nope no more booze for me!
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you but I won't make any attempt to dance I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

[Poodroo]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin

[coucho]

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When
they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
... Uphill... barefoot.
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay
A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and
shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio & the DJ usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen "Forever"
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off
Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel & there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to
wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

[Poodroo]

A couple of toon Jokes

Poodroo

[Cammy]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Cam

[Cammy]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

Cam