Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[bushbeachboy]

There were two statues in the park. A naked man and a naked woman. They had been there for 100 years.

An angel came and visited them and said: "Because of your long and faithful service you are each granted 30 minutes of life to do whatever you please."

The man looked at the woman, they giggled and ran into the bushes. For about 15 minutes there was a lot of rustling and giggling and oooohhhs and aaahhhs. Then both came out.

The angel looked at his watch and said: "Well you still have 15 minutes left. Would you like to do that again?"

The woman looked at the man and said: "Let's do it. Only this time I want to change positions. This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."

[fish-n-dive]

KidsAreQuick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and findNorth America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same
as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir.. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[STUIE63]

This made me laugh out loud...




Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.


. You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

[charleville]

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world!"






.

[mowerman]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his
Flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he
Picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,
Disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus
Is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
Off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit,
He shook his head, promised himself a vacation after
The next big score, then clicked the light on and began
Searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect
The wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching
You.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
Looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
Corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on
A parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just
Trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world
Are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.. 'What kind of people would
Name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.' '

[Chimo]

Married Life





After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'












'I found the remote,' he said.

[sparkyice]

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/au...an_quayle.html

you aussies are lucky you don't have politicians like ours...

[fish-n-dive]

Interesting and sadly rather true…

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common
Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want
It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral, because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.'

[fish-n-dive]

Funny and TRUE Too!
--------
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
.....
1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
......
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
.....
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'
.....
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even
some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
......
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again.'
......
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
......
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
.....
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
.....
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing
so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

[Scott nthQld]

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"

A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"

"It's a cow, teacher."

"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

[Scott nthQld]

OK This one might be a bit crude and rude......if anyone ojects let me know and I'll remove it....thanks

Nevermind...I removed it. I decided it was a bit too rude for these forums

[Scott nthQld]

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't...

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

[Scott nthQld]

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

[Chimo]

LESSON FROM THE RABBIT AND THE SNAKE



Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"That's ok," replied the snake. "Actually, I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know. "That would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

[Marlin_Mike]

OK This one might be a bit crude and rude......if anyone ojects let me know and I'll remove it....thanks

Nevermind...I removed it. I decided it was a bit too rude for these forums

Well PM it to us............

Mike