Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[mowerman]

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,
'Julia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.
Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.
We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two pots of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two pots of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again
to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail,looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'
'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'

[Donny Boy]

A newly divorced Tasmanian couple leave the courthouse......and she is sobbing uncontrollably.
The ex-husband says...
" For Christs' sake ...stop your blubbering.............you're STILL my sister...!"

[BGG]

The Broken Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the boat, the fourby, fishing – always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral of this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

[STUIE63]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your
spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new
suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60
years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe
was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' ' Been in the business 60
years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about
some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The
salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

[Dignity]

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Longreach farm
and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water
allocation.
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed
to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or
answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running
for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining
with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer
immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the
top of his lungs.....


'Your card! Show him Your card!

[sandman55]

The Argument.

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

[sandman55]

Two Irish sewer workers.

Two Irishmen were working in a sewer when one of them drops his jacket. The jacket starts to get pulled along by the current.

"Paddy" he shouts, "grab me jacket."
"Your not going to wear it now are you" said Paddy.
"No" he cried. "Me lunch is in the pocket"

[Cammy]

HAHAHAHA stuie thats a good one!

Cam

[Chimo]

Elderly Sex


An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word, or two?'

[dhess]

Q. Why do they call camels ships of the desert?

A. Becayse they are full of arab seamen.

[bustaonenut]

A man walks through his front door after a days work and makes his way up to the bedroom where he is greated by his wife who is dressed in lingere and stockings. She slowly roles her stockings off, throws them at her husband and says

''Tie me up and do whatever you like" So he ties her up and goes fishing.

[Chimo]

Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[Chimo]

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked pissed off.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care." concluded the professor.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

[Chimo]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[Chimo]

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That shtoopid Dave!" the fellow giggled, "He'sh sho drunk, he thinksh he'sh me!"