Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Scott nthQld]

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.

The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

[2manylures]

A young bloke who lives miles out of town hitchhikes in to buy a new pushbike, his only means of transport.
He enters the local bike shop & sees this absolute ripper with all the good gear including beautiful chrome handle bars & mud guards.
He decides on this bike, pays the sales person but being a little concerned about the chrome bits rusting he asks ~ Just in case it rains, how do I protect the chrome? To which the salesman replies ~ Just smear a bit of vaseline on it.

He climbs aboard & heads off home only to find he’s left a little late and it’s getting dark.
Being concerned about riding at night he pulls into a farmhouse and asks if he can stay the night, the barn being fine.
The farmer gives him the nod & invites him to have dinner with himself & the family to which he gracefully accepts.

Just prior to starting dinner with the farmer, his wife & two daughters, the farmer advises the young bloke that the 1st person to talk after dinner has to do the dishes.
Not thinking much of this he accepts the ruling and sits down to eat with the family.
A lovely meal is had along with pleasant conversation during dinner but once finished everyone is sitting quietly like stunned mullets, not saying a word.

A couple of hours go by & still no-one says a bloody word.
The young bloke thinks to himself “Bugger This” so he grabs a daughter, throws her on the table & has his way with her; Still no-one says a word.
More time elapses without a word spoken so he does the same thing to the 2nd daughter, still no-one says a word.
He sits back & has a long hard think, gets up, grabs Mum, smacks her around a bit, very violently throws her on the kitchen table in front of the old man and brutally has his way with her.
Still no-one says a thing & as he’s getting dressed he hears the pitter-patter of rain on the roof & asks “has anyone got any Vaseline?”
The old man immediately jumps up & says F*** it, I’ll do the dishes!

[danryan75]

WIN TICKETS TO THE CHINESE OLYMPICS ......GET READY
FOR THE
PRIZE THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE



I T'S TRUE !!!!!!



YOU GET 8 TICKETS TO ALL THE EVENTS,4 HOTEL
ROOMS,FOOD,
CAR & FREE ROUND TRIP AIR FAIR. FOR 21 DAYS IN
CHINA .



GOOD LUCK!






Just answer the following questions to win tickets
to the Olympic games.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?

6. Which two just finished a joint?





I guess you're not going either!!!

[2manylures]

1st time. Hope it works ok.

[Sea-Dog]

Just answer the following questions to win tickets
to the Olympic games.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?

6. Which two just finished a joint?

Question 6 is easy - The ones with the "Chinese" eyes

[2manylures]

[marty+jojo]

Holy crap!!!!!

[Outsider1]

Holy crap!!!!!

Wicked isn't it!!!

Cheers

Dave

[2manylures]

If ya think blondes are brainless have a go at this .... I'm lost for words trying to describe this sheila. Some people simply leave you speechless.

You'll need FULL SCREEN to pick up the good bits.

[foggy]

Dear fellow ###########

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs
up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently
although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends
from work, you don't know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but
I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with
my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on
her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my fishing rods so I
could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a
night out with 'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which
was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them
on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my fishing rods, that I
noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my
Loomis pitching stick.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
Bass-pro shop where I bought it?

[Cammy]

WIN TICKETS TO THE CHINESE OLYMPICS ......GET READY
FOR THE
PRIZE THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE



I T'S TRUE !!!!!!



YOU GET 8 TICKETS TO ALL THE EVENTS,4 HOTEL
ROOMS,FOOD,
CAR & FREE ROUND TRIP AIR FAIR. FOR 21 DAYS IN
CHINA .



GOOD LUCK!






Just answer the following questions to win tickets
to the Olympic games.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?

6. Which two just finished a joint?





I guess you're not going either!!!

Top right 2 ppl r guys and they are the twins, left side, girl in the blue and the girl next to her are twins the teacher is next to her, the girl up the back in the blue just finished a joint and the small guy in the front row on the left finished a joint, they all look tired, and there are 7 girls in the group.

Think about it

Cam

[Xahn1960]

Woman Golfer

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit
the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock
to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a
mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of
the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..



Moral of the story: Women are really
dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen!!!

[Xahn1960]

The 9 Words Women use...

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[2manylures]

The 9 Words Women use...

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

Bloody funny that champ, I'm surrounded by what I call "Huffers"

My 10yr old heeler X koolie bitch does the same if I ask her to do something she doesn't feel like doing.

She'll lay down with the head between the front paws, take a deep breathe & blow it out her nose.

Is it any wonder us blokes have feelings of inadequacy?

I now know why blokes invented "sheds"

[BGG]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf, hockey and do lots of things that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch!