Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[jaybee]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during the Olympics that they would
like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a
lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I
once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,
and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that
nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of
the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just
said?"

[basserman]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.


The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.


The old farmer told him he had buried them.


"Lordy, were they ALL dead?" asked the sheriff.


The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians love to lie."

[jaybee]

THE PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy? "Titanic" or "My Life -
The Bill Clinton Movie"

TITANIC VIDEO: $9. 99
CLINTON VIDEO: $9. 99

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her! Jewellery
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica is forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica. . . uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary . . . we can only imagine

“IN GOD WE TRUST"

[DR]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by, with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for?" asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted.

Cinderella had feelings inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I

wish you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.

Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,











"Bet you regret having me doctored now, don't you?

[Gorilla_in_Manila]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her".
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I would never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'You're not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes and then he came out with tears in his eyes crying, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes to be an assassin. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, except that it was to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "The gun was loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

[reelcrazy]

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"

[Black_Rat]

This is a CRACKER !!
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[NQCairns]

Guess this one might have been adapted from a home grown US joke, I like it.

Dear Mum & Dad,



I am well. Hope you are. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil the Army is

better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick

before the jobs are all gone.



I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed

until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekkie is make ya

bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no

calves to feed, no feed to stack-nothing.



Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to

see what ya doing.



Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or

possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the

city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' just like

walking to the windmill in the back paddock.



This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for

shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and

it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when

our bull got their cow pregnant before the Easter Show. Alls ya gotta do

is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of cake. You don't

even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to

steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you

reload.



Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz

they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and

Boori and Steve all at once like we do.



Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the

platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6

foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the

end.



I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word

gets around how good it is.







Your loving daughter,



Sally

[NQCairns]

He He

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

>

>1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

>

>2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

>

>3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION

>

>SUPERHIGHWAY.

>

>4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

>

>5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

>

>6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY >INCONVENIENCED.

>

>7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

>

>8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

>

>9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

>

>10. She is not a S*** - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

>

>11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY

>

>SUPERIOR.

>

>12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE

>

>PROVIDER.

[NQCairns]

Ummmmm...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

>

>1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE

>

>FACILITY.

>

>2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

>

>3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

>

>4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

>

>5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.

>

>6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY

>

>HORIZONTAL.

>

>7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL

>

>INVERSION.

>

>8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

>

>9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

>

>1 0 . He is not a ###### - He is an OWNER OPERATOR.

[Fitzy]

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[marks2602]

> ON CARS
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
> She tells the mechanic it died.
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
> says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
> She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
>
> EXPOSURE
> A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
> breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,"Ma'am, are
> you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why
officer?"
> "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and
> says,
"OH
> MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
>
> FINAL EXAM
> The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists
> of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
> stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of
> inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing
> the coin, marking the > answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour
> she is > all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
> During the > last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering
> and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is
> going on. > "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
>
>
> THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOOOOO," answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs!"

[littlejim]

from the mouth of babes.

yesterday while minding the 3.5yr old grandson my wife heard him say 'Jesus Christ' in reponse to something.
She asked him' what do you think that means James?' He replied 'I think it means the same as s**t'.

[reelcrazy]

Life was good.

I had a lovely girlfriend, Amelia, and a good job.

I decided it was time I got married to my Amelia, so I proposed and she accepted.

My family were delighted and very supportive.

My friends encouraged me, as my girlfriend was a dream babe.

The only problem was likely to be my future mother-in-law.

She was a career woman, smart and intelligent, but most of all, a very beautiful and sexy lady.

Sometimes she flirted with me, which made me very uncomfortable.

One day she called me on the phone and asked if I would drop in to check out some of the wedding invitations with her.

When I arrived she was alone and spoke to me gently in a very sexy husky voice, saying. "Soon you will be married, but I have extremely strong feelings and desires for you. I find it hard to overcome them. So before you commit yourself in marriage to my daughter, please, will you make love to me just once."

What could I say? I was in total shock. But despite that she was making me aroused. I simply couldn't say a word.

She continued, "I'm off up to the bedroom, and if you want me, just come up. I am so ready for you to make love to me."

I watched the seductive movement of her beautiful body as she went away. I couldn't take my eyes off the tempting sight of her exposed curves as she disappeared up the stairs and gave me one last long come-to-bed look.

I stood there for a moment. I was very tempted.

I then turned around and quickly made for the front door. I opened it and stepped out of the house.

SHOCK HORROR....Her husband was standing outside with tears in his eyes. He hugged me and cried "We are so happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a more trustworthy or better gentleman for our daughter.

WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY ~ Son!

The Moral of the Story is:

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR

[Black_Rat]

A Blonde GUY joke.....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage ! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

The Mexican opens his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again ! If I get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too."

The blonde opened his luch and said, "Bolonga again. If I get bolonga sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife....


"Hey, don't look at me" she said "he makes his own lunch."