Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[slyman]

Did you know that copper wire was invented by the Scottish?

Apparently it was invented after two Scots were fighting over a penny.

[Oh Gee]

I was working with a scotsman, and one day out at the smoko van he dropped a dollar coin. It hit him on the back of his neck.

[coucho]

The Harley-Davidson Facts



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[reelcrazy]

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village inIreland.

Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy irongrapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local iceworks .

He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at acertain time.

Sadly Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on afaulty heart.

One day he failed to come home,

His wife contacted the Police to investigate him missing .


They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt .


Beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.


Headlines next day in the Irish Times Newspaper.....................





OYSTERS KILL PATRICK

[Mad-One]

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE

'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine
inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yep.'
'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate

[baitwaster]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English
language).

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
'cause I still have mine."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your Honour," the husband said. "And every now and then,
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "Idon't like
the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I
now pronounce you man and wife."

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and
hangs up.

[charleville]

In a recent survey, people from Sydney have
proved to be the most likely to have had sex
in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries
firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Sydney residents
said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.





.

[sandbankmagnet]

72.49% of statistics are made up.

[mowerman]

True' Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap


Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.


2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.


3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.


4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.


5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining.


6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.


7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.


8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.


9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
'because you are my friend'.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it,
but only you can feel the true warmth.

[BGG]

Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter .'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave .

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
' Dave , wake up, you drunken b@stard. You've sh)t the bed !!'

[2manylures]

THIS IS'T A JOKE AS SUCH, MORE OF A REALITY. JUST HAD IT SENT TO ME.

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940's, 50's, 60's, 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever..

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on

MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully’s always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

[ffejsmada]

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his
wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will
give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he
said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her
brother 'Don't eat it, it's an ar%^hole!’

[bbayjohn]

This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.



A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!"

The person says, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work."

[Dezzer]

That may have been nominated but I reckon the one above beats it by a mile.

[Scott nthQld]

At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!"