Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[revs57]

Craig Bellamy approached Willie Mason in the dressing room prior to origin 3 and said, " You failed an IQ test therefore you should not play today. However if you can give the correct answer to one question then the committee will let you play"

“OK what is the question?” asked Mason.

“What is the sum of 2 plus 2?” asked Bellamy.

After some thought Mason replied, "4".

Bellamy stood amazed for a few moments, then he heard a call from the rest of the team, "Gee, come on coach, give him another chance."

[BGG]

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE

'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine
inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yep.'

'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate

[reelcrazy]

A plane was taking off from Brisbane Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number Q2293, nonstop from Brisbane to Perth. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in economy yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

[just jude]

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE
GENERAL 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3.It's tacky to take an esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeralDINING OUT 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no - it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING 1
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: Say......"I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place) 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. .4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight. 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[Lancair]

During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah..."
After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was,
"You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a b***j** right about now..."
Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue. While scurrying past the first class section, a passenger raised his hand and was heard to say, "Don't forget the coffee!!!"

[BREEZE470]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

[reelcrazy]

Three Australians and three Kiwis are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Australians buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Kiwis. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Australians

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats
but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."


The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save
some money .


When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at
all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Kiwi .
"Watch and learn bro ," answers an Aussie..


When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train
departs.


Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."

[Donny Boy]

Willie Mason appeared on "Sale of the Century"
Remarkably, he made it all the way through, and had only one question to answer for a Million Bucks.
The compere asked the question....."What do the letters FBI stand for ??"
Quick as a flash, Willie said " The CIA !!!"

[mowerman]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

[Scott nthQld]

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

[sparkyice]

Praise the lord for Grandma


She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and
smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my
brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.


Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[sparkyice]

The Italian Loan

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and
asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer
that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks
and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need
some form of security for the loan, so the Italian
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Italian produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a
$250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the$5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer
said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were
away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replied: "Minga, where else in New York City
can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

[windows]

Bluey, Spider and Jacko are out fishing in their boat when a wave washes Jacko overboard and he sinks without a trace. Bluey says to Spider "Well one of us has to go and break the sad news to Jacko's missus." Spider says "Well, Bluey , you're a lot more sensitive than me so you better do it, mate."
So Bluey sets off. About an hour later Bluey's back and he's got a slab of Gold cans on his shoulder. Spider says "What's the go with the carton?"
"Oh, Jacko's missus gave it to me"
"You mean to say you went round to tell her what happened and she gave you a box of golds?"
"Well yeah. I knocked on the door and when she answered I said 'You must be Jacko's widow'
She said 'No I'm not, he's out fishing with his mates' "
"And I said 'I'll bet ya a carton you are!' "

[BGG]

WHY BEER IS GOOD!
"Well ya see, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[maztez]

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow Library and says to the prim librarian,"excuse me miss ,dey ye hiv any books on suicide ?"
To which she stops doing her tasks , looks at him over the top of her glasses and says ,
"fook off ,ye'll no bring it back!"