Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sandman55]

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

[Orrsum]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about five minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a s@#t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age

[alleycat]

The last time i played gold with a woman she was hit with a ball and knocked out by a miss hit blistering drive, when we contacted the ambulance thier first question they asked was where was she hit?, to which we replied " between the first and second hole" and suprisingly the reply to us was " struth that doesnt leave much room for a bandaide does it".

[aussiefool]

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).


Scroll Down



WARNING! GRAPHIC PHOTO.



THIS IS A PICTURE

OF A MAN

WITH JUST SECONDS

LEFT TO LIVE

(CHILLING!)

[aussiefool]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this toyou? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature anddistinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suitsteps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tellsthem:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marryher because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.


'Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, atownhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

' However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly onthe man's shoulder and tells him...


'You r**t her again.'

[BGG]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again......

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4'stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[groverwa]

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

[BGG]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: ' So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.



'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

[Cammy]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.


She put an ad in the local paper that read:




HUSBAND WANTED:




MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),





MUST NOT BEAT ME,





MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &





MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!





ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.





On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.





The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!





The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'





She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'





Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'





She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'





The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,





'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'



Cammo

[danryan75]

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real
notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have
been left intact.



1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please
execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland fro m p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He
was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre
dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We
thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Mary ann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our
kids.

[stevedemon]

Subject:
id ten t error

This says it all







I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11
year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and
asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved
the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll
figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric...

[stevedemon]

Outlawed



BY A 15 yr. Old SCHOOL KID IN GEELONG VIC:


Since the Pledge of Allegiance & The Lord's Prayer
are not allowed in most public schools
anymore, because the word 'God' is mentioned..

A kid in Geelong Vic wrote the attached:-


NEW School prayer :

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offence - it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We’re allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It’s scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take !!!
Amen
If you aren't ashamed to do this,
please pass this on.
Jesus said,
'If you are ashamed of me,
I will be ashamed of you before my Father.'

[littlejim]

Good joke Steve but where's the punch line?

[Chimo]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.




Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[akman1]

not very nice